forever twenty-one ;

are you really a poser?

Tuesday, August 30, 2005, 12:16 PM

its fake. all fake. tings aren't getting better at all. it's getting worse. im reli tired. so tired tt i made up my mind to gif up. don tink tt dis is juz another complain of mine. dis time, i feel so determined to. it has always been like dis. it has been going on and off for such a long time alr. so long. i wan to gif up is bcoz i don wan my emotions to b drag in any furthur. i need to change my emotions so in order to do tt, i haf to step out. i dunno whether will i succeed anot. but at the very least, i will try.

i couldn't get to slp last nite. i was wide awake and i mean it. something seems to b bugging me. the thoughts ran actively arnd my mind. i tot about wad others told me before and i couldn't believe it. is it true? but how can it b? hais. i tot until i was so tired tt i fell aslp and soon, it was time for sch. school? hahas. i din go in the end. i was lying in my bed, pondering for abt 1 hr whether to go or not to. in the end, i don wan to go. i noe tt i will miss out alot if i don go, but i still choose not to go. i don wan to face wad i need to face. call me a weakling, a coward. i noe i am one.

it wun make much of a difference even if i don go anyway. the world can still luff, cry and it will still continue to revolve. it wun stop for me. i am just another tiny being. even though i step into other ppl's life and i left my footprints in thier hearts, all dis footprints r invisible. so invisible tt it's not even worth remembering. for now, i reli hope to b alone. i juz need music. tts all. tts all i need to calm me down. tinking back, i realised that there r too much tings beyond our control. such as ur intentions being misunderstood, such as wad u feel being potrayed in a wrong way, such as controlling ur emotions, such as unable to be yourself.

i hate my emotions. i hate my character. i hate myself.

im not blaming you. im juz reproaching myself. im sorry.

i hope u haf a great day.

written by,
someone easily forgotten.

- abyss of isolation -

the reason i dun wanna go, is YOU.

Saturday, August 27, 2005, 11:48 PM

i woked up at 7.30 am and continued to lay curled in bed, reluctant to wake up. but i still did in the end. but by the time i bothered to set my foot onto my bedroom's floor, it was about 8 am. lols. after brushing my teeth, i realised tt my sch shoes and my uniform are still wet. how can i possibly go to sch lik tt? so i called siqi and she offered to bring a pair of shoes for me to change into after i rch sch, but i declined. i can't stand the tot of travelling to sch in a pair of slippers! hahas. but, thx anyway! heex. i gaf up my extra dnt supplementary jus like tt. TO THINK I STILL WAN TO WORK HARD FOR MY STUDIES! bahhhhh. -.-

i decided to stay at hm for the whole day. i don feel like going out and dis includes going to bishan to play pool wif song ting thy all. song ting muz haf felt pissed off wen i told her tt i wasn't going. but i juz don wanna go. i dunno y actually. since HE might not b going, i shouldn't b tt bothered rite? i mean i was hoping tt he wouldn't go rite? now tt he's not going, y am i still reluctant to go? hmms. mayb a small part of me still hopes to c him. tts y wen he's not going, i don reli feel like going too? mayb. but dere r defintely other reasons y i chose not to go. reasons tt might hurt somebody. so i don tink it's wise to say it out here. lols.

wanted to start a little on my work today coz it has been a long long time since i've last started work. i only managed to complete a poa worksheet so far. hmms. i wanna start on my dnt folio le coz im reli lagging behind. FAR TOO BEHIND. furthurmore, my artefact + folio needs to b handed up by dis coming fri! omg. so much tings not done. hais. how how how? today might haf been a little boring, but at least i've done some work today. at the tot of dis, it makes me feel a little comfortable.

it's getting better i hope. well, at least it seems to be. anyway, i don haf a problem. i juz i tink tt i haf a problem. lols. get it?

- i may seem far at times, but my heart has always been near. -

dead among the living.

Thursday, August 25, 2005, 8:12 PM

i dunno wad came over me. i juz simply dunno wads wrong wif me. all of a sudden, i felt sad and angry. noone made tt happen, i did. i became angry and sad out of nothing? im reli an emotional wreck. im sick in the mind and im defintely crazy. if dis affects me only, den its alright. but my mood is contagious, it somehow manage to affect the moods of the ppl arnd me. well, i dunno wad to say except for sorry. sorry for acting wierdly today and sorry for not being myself. i tink i reli haf an attitude problem? hmms. i will go c a doctor i guess. coz i feel tt im sick in the mind wen i become like tt.

on the quiet journey home, i saw lynnda at the busstop. we had a nice chat and den she went hm. later, i saw huiqi and i went hm wif her. huiqi said tt i haf changed. she said tt in the past, im not like dis. she ask me wad happen to me today? i smiled and said nth. how can i possibly tell her wads wrng wif me wen i don even noe wads wrong wif me? she said tt i can haf a 180 degree change in a v short period of time. one moment i can luff like mad, and the next moment i can b as quiet as a mouse. i can cut myself from the outside world all of a sudden and drop back into the empty hole i feel tt its within me. huiqi missed the old me. she joked tt i should start by meditating coz i used to do tt in the past and now, i don. i told her tt ppl change over time. for me, i tink huiqi is still the same and i admire her for being able to do tt. she says tt sock yee is wierd, jus like me. but i tink im much more wierd den sock yee. its juz tt i don show my wierd tinking smtimes.

u don haf to feel sorry actually. i tink the fault lies wif me. if u feel sorry, den i need to feel even more sorry for making u tink like dis. so im sorry too.

- dead among the living -

a shocking confession.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005, 10:02 PM

missing in action again! lols. too much tings happen dis few days and i wasn't reli prepared to blog it out yet. now? not reli. i don tink the time is right yet. will i try to say out how i feel wen the time is right? hahas. i dunno. anyway, im glad tt the discussion went well. at least tings has settled down alr. the only ting tt we can hope now is tt there wun b too much major changes in the group. tts all we can do now. we can only HOPE. but wen dere's a will, dere's a way. tings will surely work out. ((:

we din stay back for dnt today coz ah leow wans to help the 4NA to complete thier artefacts and folio AGAIN. im juz wondering wen will it b our turn? he's oways helping dem, how can we expect him to help us? anyway, i went to jack's place to dine wif claire, siqi, eileen and shu xuan aft sch today. the ambience is pretty cool and the food is quite nice. i ate steak and it was abit raw? lols. but the taste is ok and so is the price. aft tt, i went and watch the maid wif dem. i tink its reli scary! lols. esp the sound effects! i wasn't reli scared by the ghosts appearing during the movie, but i was reli freaked out by the sound effects. the wierdest ting is tt i was freak out by the non-scary parts of the movie! lols. not bad for a local movie. i gif it 3 and a half stars! hahas.

oh ya! weijian is back on tv! im so happy for him. but it's a show for ELIMINATED CONTESTANTS and weilian was like the STAR OF THE NIGHT. -.-'' ahhhs. my dear dear weijian finally sang the song i wan to hear him sing! LIAO JIE. so nice hor? and he once again touched my heart wif the song he sang! i missed his singing so much lors! I MISS HIM TOO. im juz super glad tt i can c him perform. though its for a short while only, im alr v satisfied. luckily noone was at hm today, if not my mum will probably kill me! coz i was like screaming my head off wen i hrd weijian sing. weijian's dressing was oso super cute. aiya, he so handsome, wear wad oso nice de larhs. heex. i love you!

im juz confused. i juz don understand why and frankly speaking, im starting to doubt myself again. im not angry and well, dis is the truth. mayb i need some time? to settle down wif my own tinking and my emotions before i face the world wif the cheerful and positive attitude i once haf. im juz disappointed and abit overwhelmed wen i hrd it. but im ok, i guess.

- questions marks -

im sorry. i don mean to take tt away.

Sunday, August 21, 2005, 9:38 PM

im finally here. it's been like yrs since i've last blog. somehow, the passion for blogging seems to haf simmered over time. i hope to find it back soon! lols. my life has been relatively well for dis few weeks. life was as per normal. im still busy wif sch and stuffs and ocassionally getting sad over nth. hahas. oh ya! alvin went back to america alr. hopes he takes gd care of himself. cya in one yrs time! lols.

my english orals r finally over! i can finally breathe a sigh of relief! i don tink i can score tt well dis time. i tink i tok alot of crap. there goes my distinction. =/ to all my frens who have not taken thier english orals yet: GOOD LUCK! ((: well, i need to rush thrgh my dnt liao. the deadline is drawing closer and closer. fuck man. i feel no motivation to do anything nowadays. esp in my studies. my books r being left to rot on the table and i don feel like starting on revision at all. wad is wrong wif me? i need to get back tt motivation i once had! o levels r drawing close and my prelims will b here in 3 wks time! hais. how can i find tt urge to study back?

i took part in another singing competetion held by my sch. lols. dis time amanda, lynnda and rahmat all took part! whoo! we haf alot of talents in 5F. lols. amanda, though u was a bit nervous, u sang well. got "bao fa li"! u can do well de. TRUST ME! so don worry so much le. as for lydia, OOPS! i mean lynnda, ur performace wasn't tt bad. u did pretty well too! much better den ur usual practices. rahmat! i believe wad u sang touched her. great job too! hahas. i felt tt i was pretty ok actually. not v gd, not v bad. i wasn't as nervous as the first and second time i took part. in fact, i felt more confident! at least i can move arnd the stage a little more and my hands were like moving to the melody? lols. ya.

my ten flowers almost came down. but luckily, it's coming back up again. we wun seperate. it's not just a name. ten flowers is smthg about FAITH AND HOPE. every obstacles makes us stronger! once more, i love all you guys. thank you for ur existence in my life. and HAPPY BDAY TO ASP! UR 17. hees. ((:

- im sorry. i don mean to take that away from you. -

tt gut feeling is here again.

Friday, August 12, 2005, 10:39 PM

hais. hais. hais. I HATE IT. two major events struck me today. it kind of left me feeling disappointed in myself. left me feeling sad. THE FIRST ONE is tt i scored a B3 for my o lvl chinese. the results was released today aft sch and upon noeing it, i felt disappointed. i was hoping to get an A, but i didn't. i tink my paper two pulled me down coz i had confidence in paper one. now the problem tt is bugging me is tt whether should i retake my chinese paper? i hate situations like tt coz im like stuck in the middle. at least my oral scored a distinction. tt's the only ting tt made the whole situation seems better. RETAKE OR NOT?

and THE SECOND THING is tt weijian is out of the superstar competetion. )): DERRICK HOH WEIJIAN IS OUT. can u believe it? i can't. i can't accept the fact tt he's out. i cried for 2 whole hrs aft the results was released and i couldn't get to sleep last nite. and on the way to sch dis morning, i fell into the drain coz i was too distracted by weijian. hais. and my class guys luff at me in the morning! they were like so happy to c weijian out lors. 3 words for u all la. GO EAT SHIT. stop making fun of it coz it's not funny at all. poor weijian. i wonder how is he taking dis whole situation? will he b alright? sighs. weijian cried too, did ya noe? and tt touching speech tt he made was like SO TOUCHING. the song he sang, hen xiang ni, broke my heart into a million tiny pieces. how can he b out? i don blame jy and weilian for getting in, but i wan weijian to b in! i wan him to b in. WEIJIAN, PLS JIA YOU.

it might b wierd saying dis now. but im sorry. i dunno wad to say anyway. i will change and i hope u will try to change too.

sometimes, it juz feels wierd arh? it juz feels wierd inside sometimes. i haf tt gut feeling again. i tink it's coming. reli. it reli seems to b coming again. pls! im not ready for it! don come to me now, so juz go away. i hate tt feeling. i reli do.

now tt weijian has stepped off the performing stage, all my problems has resurfaced.

- wad i need now is time, hope and everlasting. can u gif it to me? -

y do u haf to have such a big attitude change?

Thursday, August 11, 2005, 12:37 AM

whoo. now its alr past midnight. had dis sudden feel to blog. lols. so here i am! hahas. went to ba zhang's hse earlier on. (ba zhang is mrs tan. lols.) saw her baby huixin. lols. so cute. face red red de. her eyes 'one open one closed' de. den got dis sleepy look on her face. v adorable jiu shi le larhs. hahas. she jus 12 days old lor! so young, so fragile. i told mrs tan to name her after me, but she refused. i wonder why. muahahas. anyways, i decided to b her FAIRY GOD SISTER. (fairy god mother seems a bit old, so i call myself SISTER lors.)

den mrs tan's older daughter, hui xuan, oso beri cute. she kept playing wif us and even gaf us paper to draw. lols. amanda, shu xuan & siqi oso played games wif her. she's juz 5 yrs old and she's super thin. i touch her head only can feel her skull liao. =/ some of us took pics wif her and she reli noes how to smile sweetly in front of the camera. hahas. anyways, we gaf mrs tan's baby a gift! we gaf her a cute little winnie the pooh baby clothes set. kairong choose it. not bad arhs. lols. we left mrs tan's hse at abt 5 plus. den we headed to ps to haf our dinner. we had dinner at pastamania. the price is kinda steep lehs. but i like the food. quite yummy. hahas. i owe alot of ppl money. lols! so broke le. hais. anybody wans to donate money to me? hahas.

weijian arhs. hais. ur first performance tonight wasn't reli tt gd. i tink it's the choice of song ba. u can't reli seem to sing it out wif emotions. i tink it sounded quite plastic. and the melody was kinda mono. no climax de. so mayb u couldn't sing it out to ur fullest potential. luckily still got the second song ar! hahas. tt one was nice. I DON FIND IT FIERCE AT ALL. in fact, i find it emotional and touching! i almost cried. really lehs! hahas. and i voted for you! now all i can hope is tt u can get into the next round! weijian, ni yi ding yao jia you!

actually, i don tink i owe u anything. i don c y u need to haf such a big attitude change towards me. i tot and tot and i reli couldn't c wad i did wrong again. if i really did something wrong, im willing to admit and say im sorry. but the prob is, i don c wad i did wrong! i don noe y u haf to treat me in dis kind of way sometimes. but it's ok, i will get used to it.

alot of tings can change in juz a few mins. i reli believe tt every action u take can change the course of ur life. be wise. wadever u do might juz b the turning point of ur life. i believe in it.

i tink im going to label dis as my motto or smthg. hahas.

[[ im not as greedy as before. im easily satisfied now. i wun ask for too much alr. ]]

i wasted time again.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005, 9:06 PM

happy bday singapore! ur 40th dis yr! lols. im so singaporean. but wierd ehs. i din watch the ndp parade. lols. i only saw the part where rui en and taufik sing and the fireworks. hahas. the fireworks was so pretty! if i went to c it wif my frens live at the esplanade, it would haf been even prettier. but too bad, i din go. coz i wanna stay at home to do my work. hais. wad a waste. i din get a chance to c weijian at marina south too. another chance missed. weijian will b at marina south wif the other finalists at 8pm today. hais. i miss him. )):

hmms. we celebrated national day in sch ytd. we finally din haf to go to bishan park for the lame run becoz it was raining! whoo! we juz stayed in sch to watch the concert. lols. it was pretty boring anyways. hahas. we got a water bottle as a national day gift and a v nice book. tt book is so colourful and it has different events tt took place in spore on every single day of the yr. lols. so u can check out wads happening in singapore on ur bday! hahas. pretty cool huh? sch was dismissed at 10 and we went to s11 to haf our lunch. aft tt, we took a cab down to asp hse. we went to ransack her tings. lols. i like one of her pictures v much. lols. the "huan zhu ge ge' pic. so nice. v ancient and funny. lols. i like i like. she was playing the gu zheng somemeore. lols. SHI PING. GIVE ME LEHS. hahas.

went to kbox wif my frens aft tt. hahas. it was quite fun. all of us were v high! lols. esp wen we sang hen jiao se, tuo diao and tong kua. we were like WHOO! lols. but i felt kinda sad actually. esp wen i sang all those songs tt made me think of the past. ahs. too emotional liao larhs. muz control. muz control. hahas. kbox kinda sucky now lehs. last time is from 2pm to 7 pm. now is from 2 pm to 6 pm. keep eating our time and our money. wah liews. den the k points mus oso redeem within one month if not it will b gone. arghs. so sucky arhs. aft tt wen i went home, my eye hurts like mad. its so sore lor. and its v red too! hais. den my voice is oso gone due to the screaming at kbox. lols. but i had fun! i wanna go dere again. heex.

i can't reli listen to too much slow songs nowadays. coz i beri easily will get emotional de. wonder why ar. lols.

go do my work le. wasted far TOO much time.

*shoo*

im reli starting to dislike you.

Sunday, August 07, 2005, 2:13 PM

ahs. i feel like speaking out my mind now. got alot of tots and feelings trapped inside it once more. hais. but im afraid tt i dunno how to xpress it the way i wan to. how? nvm. let me sort out my tots first la. let me sort it out before opening up again. my chest hurts now leh. probably due to the quick lunch i haf juz now. hahas. and my throat still feels kinda wierd. don tel me tt im going to lose my voice again? *sighs*

went out wif alvin ytd. lols. he's going back to america in one week's time so i finally met up wif him. he was late and so was i. lols. we had a nice chat at J8's coffee bean and i got a free drink! lols. he treated me to cup of fruit tea. (dis pharse sounds kinda wierd. lols.) aft tt, we went up to take neoprints! lols. he say tt he's v old le and tt he shouldn't b taking dis kind of tings. lols. but i kept pestering him so he didn't had a choice. hahas. the pics came out pretty well. hahas. aft tt, he drove me to amk coz i will b meeting my frens for a kpool session dere. den we waited for my frens at s11 lor. aft they came, he went off. hahas. i played pool wif asp and bing xian first. siqi and dap came later. lols. we saw a lot of ppl we knew dere. hahas. at first, i felt pretty ok de. dunno y leh. the more i played, the more bored i became. probably bcoz i keep losing? lols. den in the end, i din reli wanted to play le. lols. we went to mos burger aft tt. all of us had some drinks and i went off wif bing xian first coz we both gotta go home to haf dinner. toked alot wif bing xian on the way home. hahas. it was a pretty nice day.

lynnda call me ytd and she told me tt she saw LYDIA SUM at orchard. lols. i luffed my head off! lynnda saw her twin sister dere lehs. she said tt lydia looks kinda weak and had to rely on someone to support her. lols. she sure has fate wif lydia lehs. lols. "lydia. ni shi shen dian xia." hahas. amanda wong! faster come online. i wan to show u wei coong's frenster ac. even coreen say it's cool. lols. i found so much superstar's ac leh. weijian, wei coong, leon, william and even leon's gf de. i found weijian's gf frenster ac too. )):

im not an idiot. i noe wad u haf been saying about me all dis while. my sixth sense tells me tt. i reli don like u more and more. in other words, I DISLIKE YOU.

i wan to change my blogskin to weijian's blogskin. lols.

[[ i noe wad all of you r tinking. say and do wadever u all wan. i don care. ]]

after one long week.

Friday, August 05, 2005, 7:56 PM

wad the hell? i din post a new entry for almost one wk? hahas. im here now la. lols. so much tings happened in dis past 1 wk. hmms. dis wk was the common test week. yes! stupid mayflower came up wif dis BRIGHT IDEA of compiling all the test in one wk! hahas. lame rite? machiam make until like we taking exam like tt. lols. but anyway, it's over and i tink im most probably gonna flunk all. hahas. why? coz i din study for any of dem. im serious ok. i reli DIN STUDY. dunno wads happening to me lehs. now like no motivation like tt. juz don feel like studying. feels bored and sians wen the tot of holding a pen and doing my work comes into my mind. CANNOT! yeh ying! u cannot b like dis lor. hais. and now tt my common tests r over, my english o level orals r gonna b here. -.-''

and yes! my voice is finally back. can finally sing nicely le. but dunno y leh, now my voice like going to be gone again. abit pain leh my throat. FUCKED UP! i wanna go kbox lehs. heex. i wanna sing. it has been a long time since i've went. i tink the last time i went dere was in may. long rite? so damn long! hahas. oh ya. and i wanna go to the beach. hahas. i miss the sea. ((: anyway, i bought some new tings dis wk! heex. i bought a new mascara and a liquid eye liner. lols. bought it from the face shop wen i was shopping wif coreen. hahas. she bought a foundation pack too. heex. aiyas. she la. ask me pei her go buy tings for her laogong coz he's bday going to b here soon. lols. actually, i wanted to tell her abt wad i feel about her and her laogong de. but, nvm. i will tell her abt it wen the time is right. lols. last wk wen i went to malaysia wif my mum and jie, i bought a pair of nice shoes at a v low price and i like it v much. lols. hmms. i've gotten myself a new haircut too. my frens says tt i look like a AH GONG. ok lars. everyone said tt. but at first, wen i cut it, it looks v nice de leh. lols. amanda oso said so. wad happen to it ar? i wan tt wild look. not tt gong look. lols.

feels damn vexed about my dnt now. less den 10 days and my artefact and folio is not completed yet. dere's ALOT to do. hais. how how how? and my studies, i wan it to b good, not bad! *arghs* anyway, weijian rocks! weijian rocks! i love him so much now. hahas. i will at least post 2-3 msgs in the forum everyday to show him my support. lols. and i voted for him wen he sang last wed. and guess wad? he got in! lols. fucking jason finally went out! he's ELIMINATED. luckily weilian and junyang is safe. but now, left only weijian, weilian and junyang. i wan weijian to get into the finals, but i don reli wan junyang and weilian to b out too. *sighs* weijian! u must win! u must! i love you! heex.

i agree wif you all. RESPECT MYSELF. i gotta do tt before i earn the respect of others. but the prob is, i haf been like tt for a v long time. it seems difficult to switch back. hais. mayb do it slowly bah. it feels sad actually, to hear the same song over and over again. coz the memories replays over and over in my mind. haf i reli let go? i tink so. i hope i wun b how i used to be. lols.

i decided to end dis entry like how weijian likes to end. hahas.

cheers,
yehying.