forever twenty-one ;

time for a change.

Monday, October 31, 2005, 11:39 PM

hello fucktards. LOL. can i call all of you fucktards from now on? i am very in love wif the word fuck nowadays. hee. anyway, i was just joking, so don take it seriously. i am such a fucker myself. hahas! get wad i mean now? im so in love with the word fuck. FUCK YOU. let's fuck together!!! oops. =X anyway, i changed my blogskin! i know it's obvious tt i haf changed it larhs, but im juz informing all of you in case u don notice the change! hehe. i chose something more mysterious for my blog dis time. the doll at the top gives me an impression of wanting something badly, but is unable to get it. something is missing from her life and she wants to find it. it collides with how i feel now and most importantly, today is halloween! so it gifs ppl the creeps. hee. anyway, HAPPY HALLOWEEN! =D

i retook my o lvl chinese papers today and i think that it was pretty okay. the darn fucking thing was tt i feel that for my mid yr de o lvl papers, i did better in paper 1 and badly in paper 2. but dis time, it was the opposite. i feel that i did better in paper 2 and badly in paper 1. shucks! i hate it. hais. aft tt, i went and had lunch wif my frens before heading home. actually, i was supposed to meet shiping to alter my prom night gown de, but i was simply too tired, so i decided to take a rest at home. i slpt from around 3 pm till 7 pm and u noe wad?! i had the sweetest dream of my life! it was so sweet that i hope i can never wake up from it. seriously. it was reli sweet coz it was all bout him! omg! as i'm typing out all this, i am swooning lors! can't tell u all the contents la. abit mushy. hee.

den, the most horrible ting happened. MY HOUSE PHONE RANG. i tried my best to continue dreaming, but the pictures started to disappear. fuggit. it was my brother who called and he wanted to talk to my mum and my mum wasn't at home! so i had to walk arnd the hse in a daze shouting MUMMY and noone answered me. nvm. i don blame my bro for it. but i couldn't get back to slp aft tt. i tried for a whole 10 mins lor! arghhh! everything felt so real in the dream. it was like reality. the hugs, the kisses...OMG! i am disgusting. wahahahahas.

i went to causeway point aft tt. today was the expiry date of the popular bkstore vouchers and i had to spent it on smthg! i was drifting around and around like a dead soul in the store lor. it lasted for abt one hr before i bought something! i bought:

1) jj lin jun jie's latest karaoke vcd. ($17.90)

2) one set of sakura gel colour pens. wif glitter one! ($15.10)

3) 2 pentel black and blue pens. ($1.70 each)

i only need to pay $1.40 extra! the rest is free! read that word ok? FREE.

- you ought to control urself, before you make more enemies. -

hunting for clothes!

Saturday, October 29, 2005, 2:15 AM

it's so late again? lols. i don reli noe wad got into me lately, i juz love blogging late in the night recently. probably noone can interrupt my thoughts? hahas. well, though wad happened a few hrs ago was like really A FEW HRS AGO, since the date is alr set as the next day, den i might as well write everything out as yesterday. hee.

yesterday, i went out wif coreen, claire, eileen, jocelyn and siqi. go where? to buy prom night clothes larhs! hahas. siqi and me haf alr bought ours so we accompanied dem around to take a look. we are SUPPOSED to meet at around 12.30 pm, but due to some spoiler, we only got to meet each other at around 1.30 pm. oh ya! THE SPOILER IS ME. hee. i woked up at arnd noon and coreen waited for me to meet the rest. so nice of her hor? anyway, when i rch amk mart station, she wasn't dere yet anyway! hahas! after meeting up wif coreen, siqi came too. den the threesome headed down to orchard to meet the rest! hahas.

den aft tt, we shopped around at shaw hse de isetan. and for the first time in my life, i saw smthing tt made me feel disgusted and yucky! can u imagine it? such a dirty person like me alr so OMG le, i can still find someone more disgusting than me. tt person is none other den COREEN CHEN. i wun forget tt action u did, coreen. ( fuck me baby!) wahahahahahas. anyway, we had our lunch at lido. it was a mixture of mac and kfc. hehes. den aft tt, more shopping! we continued to go to places like wisma, paragon, heeren to hunt for clothes! and guess wad? everyone was rewarded! beautiful gowns are found for everyone. wan to noe wad pattern? wad design? how it looks? wait for prom nite. hehes.

some pictures tt i took today.

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[ fucking gorgeous? i know larhs. hee. ]

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[ my laopo and me. lovey dovey! ]

hey girls, i ain't disappointed about the bday thingy larhs. so don haf to worry. hee. it's just a bday la. you xin jiu hao. =)

but i am more disappointed in you! how can you do such a thing? i mean, yes, i don haf the right to complain or whine, but i am just so fucking fucking fucking disappointed. hais. how i wish i haf memory loss, den i wun rmb anything! FUCK LARHS. sighhhh.

- what am i expecting? i am just a nobody. -

an unmeaningful bday.

Thursday, October 27, 2005, 2:00 AM

the time now is 2 am. 2 hrs haf passed since my bday. i received several msgs that are sent from my frens, blessing and greeting me with all thier heartfelt wishes. i waited and waited. for 2 entire hours i was waiting for smthg that never came. it's just 2 hrs and i couldn't take it. how am i suppose to wait until the very last min of tml? 11.59 pm of 27 oct 2005. do i reli intend to wait until tt v last min before i let my heart stop dead? should i gif up now? wad is supposed to come should haf alr come. u nv managed to fufill wad u promised me like wad u said.

i reli can't take it. several times, i really felt the urge to ask u wad is it. but i choose to calm myself down, telling myself that 'it would come' and that 'you would rmb'. but tt doesnt seems to b the case. with every minute passing by and with time slowly ticking away, i can really feel the energy and hope being drained from my body bit by bit. but i still choose to wait in the end. i did not heed a fren's advice. i din not pick up the fone and ask wad is it tt u wanted to say. i am still waiting and hoping that it will come. scold me stupid for all i care. but i am still hoping and waiting, for tt smthg to come, and i wun gif up till the v last min.

i am really destined to wait, isn't it? in my entire life, i seem to be always waiting. waiting for smthg to happen. hoping for smthg to occur. bit it seems that wad came at the end, is always tragedy. a sadness that rips my heart into two. i haf been thrgh it once, y do i haf to go thrgh it again? i hate tt feeling. i really do. noeing the ans will b wad i expect, i still choose to wait for a miracle to happen. hais. forgive me for being naive. forgive me for being stupid. im sorry. but i still choose to wait.

a person's bday should b happy. it should b memorable. mine? unmeaningful.

thanks for cheering me up, bestie! (=

- waiting and waiting. but what i'm waiting for never came. -

stop lying. you like him.

Sunday, October 23, 2005, 12:41 AM

bull shit.

i'm not obssesed wif him?

i am.

if i'm not,

den y does my heart hurt so much when he said that?

i haf sinked in.

i wanna climb out.

coz it feels terrible to be in there.

- i got to stop lying to myself. -

i am upset over you?

Saturday, October 22, 2005, 6:33 PM

i noe how postive i sounded in the previous entry and how determined i am going to think postively from now on, blah blah blah. but can i blog out something negative here? hais. it can be pretty disturbing to have smthg bothering you at the back of ur mind and yet! there is nth u can do abt it. nowadays, you can't seem to find a trustworthy soul whom u can pour out ur woes to, so, might as well tell your blog? anyway, dis is my blog. y am i asking ppl's permission har? my blog means i can blog out anything i wan ma! LOL. those who are on close terms wif me, DEFINETLY noes who i am talking about. it's a well, HIM. noe alr? hahas. ok, here goes:

i am kind of getting influenced by what others told me about him. im starting to think that well, he's really selfish and is a womanizer. ( i noe womanizer sounds like a wierd word, but i can't think of anything other den tt. hahas. ) my thinking can really change by just a few words from others. a fren told me tt i shouldn't really bother about wad others think. those can b good advices but what decision i intend to make lies entirely in my own hands. if i like, den go ahead and like. but nowadays im starting to FEAR. don ask me fear abt wad, coz i reli dunno. lols. so i'm starting to hesitate and stuff like tt. arghhhs.

den a few days ago, i started to talk wierdly and stuff like that. mayb it don seems wierd to him larhs! but i find it wierd. lols. i din reli feel like talking to him and was like sot sot? LOL. den smthg happened last night and i felt upset. i am mad larhs. if all of u noe wad happened, u will say tt i THINK TOO MUCH and i am getting upset over nth. but still, I AM UPSET. den today, i din talk to much to him and i felt pretty gloomy for the whole day. but relax, i did revise my work. now, i hope that smthg better will happen at night. ((:

ytd was pretty upsetting too! it was the so called 'LAST DAY OF NORMAL SCH'. coz next wk, we wun need to go back to sch for lessons and its a self study wk! ( yippee! ) den aft tt wk, our exams will start. hur hur. everyone seems to be drilling really hard now, but me? im like still floating arnd. LOL. its like ytd was the last day we sang national anthem and the school song, the last time we sit in class as a class and the last time we had lessons. so many last times hor? im gonna miss dem like hell. but now! studying is still the most important thing! even though im not reli studying larhs.

im going to take a bath, continue revising and pray that smthg gd happens to me at night! wish me good luck! hee.

- i hope he never reads this. -

c'mon. i can do it!

Thursday, October 20, 2005, 10:50 PM

humph. today is a darn tensed up day for me coz i had my o level practicals! i tink im going to flunk it coz i messed up the entire practical! it all started with the examiner saying "you may begin." i wasn't even ready lors! we stepped into the examination room like for less den 5 mins and the practical exam started. we din even haf enuff time to check our apparatus! shit man! i read the question and it was on mechanics. ( lucky it's not on electricity or light! though i was hoping that temperature will come out. ) HO SEH LOR. i nv did such a question before. den wen i started to set up the apparatus, i can't seem to clamp the retort stand at the assigned measurement. SHIT THAT RETORT STAND! I HATE RETORT STANDS. i spent a whole 20 mins clamping it lor! and i still couldn't get tt measurement! arghhh! and from there, my entire experiment was a failure. including that chemistry experiment, mind you. i also dunno y i was dumb enuff to use the measuring cylinder to roll down the ramp when it was stated that we should b using a WOODEN CYLINDER. hais.

since it's like fucking over, den i shouldn't be fucking bothered by it. concentrate and strive my best for all the other papers ba! claire, coreen and lynnda! don b too sad over it ya? can do better for the rest of ur papers de! don worry! =) AND COREEN, u look ugly when u cry so don cry larhs. LOL. cheer up girl! hehes.

after the practical paper, i went and had lunch with coreen, claire and eileen. i am the ONLY ONE who ate coz i was super hungry. lols. we ordered other things to share and eat oso la. lols. we sat there and crapped until about 3 pm den all of us went home le. lols. and wen i rch home, i had to sleep! i am so tired lor! i slpt at about 6 am in the morning ytd coz i did smthg that made all my frens screamed at me. hehes. cannot control ma! but i noe wad to do actually. i might not haf a certain study scehdule that i keep to daily, but at least i noe wad i am doing everyday. hais. i seriously think that if i don buck up, i will always be down dere. but i wun stay dere for too long i guess!

i noe wad all of u haf been telling me is for my own good. i noe what u all say are meant to make me strive hard and to do my best. but i seriously still can't find my motivation yet. but i will find it soon. but thank you! u noe who u are. ((:

one more thing before i end, i am really sure that i am not obsessed with him.

- i will think positively from now on! i will score! -

a different entry. ((:

Friday, October 14, 2005, 11:21 PM

i'm really not paying much attention to my blog nowdays. guess i must really spent more time here liaos. hahas. anyway, im going to blog quite differently from now on. you won't be seeing much saddening entries like how u did in the past. i'll concentrate more on the happy and interesting parts of my life. all of you will be in for some surprises. ((: ( thanks eileen, for telling me about how life is today. ^^)

well, i realised something today. i've got this particular habit of not listening to songs when im surfing or chatting. but once i start work, my speakers will be turned on and i'll b listening to the music as i do my work. lols. any of u got dis particular habit? for most of my friends, they told me that they can't really concentrate if the music is on when they r doing work. hahas. and i just set my eyes on something interesting today. i saw it wen i was on my way to sch and wen i was on my home today.

its...

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the karaoke tv set from starhub!

u can sing even in the comfort of ur homes! i wan i wan! it's so suitable for ppl like me! since i like singing so much, i should get it right? but i don't think my parents will get it for me. i mean they will say that it's costly and that it's a distraction coz i can't concentrate on my studies blah blah blah, but i wan! maybe i can propose this idea to them after my o's? den for now, all i need to do is to psycho my sister to stand on my side. wait for me! i'm going to get you! =D

also, i was paying special attention to smita's eyelashes today. i find dem super long and super attractive. it's thick in volume and it curls nicely. i oso wan to haf eyelashes like her. but my mum din managed to gif dem to me so all i can depend on is this:

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mascara!

let me tell you, dis thing works wonders ok! it can make ur sparse and unnoticable eyelashes into something so eye-catchy and attractive that you can blow any guy off his feet. (fine, i noe im overreacting here. =/) i tried it before and well, it did make my eye lashes stand out a lot more den how it usually appears to be. but i din reli coat it well i guess. 3 people commented on the way i applied my mascara at 3 different times.

the first person:

lynnda. she said that i din coat my eyelashes evenly.

the second one:

siqi. she said that my eyelashes looks wierd when i put on mascara.

the third one:

amanda. she said that all my eyelashes are stucked together.

so can you see how much i dun noe how to coat mascara le ma? hahas. but it's ok! im willing to learn! anyone out there willing to teach? hehe.

my day of rebirth is going to come soon. on the night of prom night, 23 november 2004!

alas, tata. ((:

- from lovers to friends, from friends to strangers. -

a quiet day.

Friday, October 07, 2005, 10:51 PM

at first, wen i changed my blogskin a few days ago, i was thinking tt the message tt my current skin is trying to convey is not very apoppriate as it doesn't really suits wad i feel. but i chose it in the end. why? coz it attracted me. it gifs me a v 'attitude' feeling. lols. don u tink so? but nv did i expect tt a few days later, on one fateful day, the theme of dis skin completely describes wad i feel. tt fateful day, is TODAY. hais. how i wish someone can talk to me. being silent is really a hard ting to bear. but, no one seems to take note of it. no one seems to noe tt it's suffocating me.

look at my results for my prelims and you will noe how much i have dropped. it's like falling from heaven to hell. one yr ago, i was at the top and now, i haf fallen into hell. mayb, u might tink tt it's stupid to keep whining and sobbing over wad is already done. u might tink tt the right ting to do now, is to stand up from the fall and to start on amending what can be amended. but can i juz let it out abit before i start to do wad i should b doing? looking at how everyone is preparing for the last rap of the run, i feel that i'm lagging so much far behind. sighs. i noe tt at a time like dis, noone would haf the time to stop by to ask me to take part in the run. i noe. at a time like dis, other den to start preparing and doing my best, there is nth i can actually do. tt should b the only ting tt is on my my mind now. to gif my best shot and to do my best. but the question is, can i do it? i guess only i have the ans to it.

i haf been pretty ill for dis couple of days. i was actually feeling better yesterday alr. but dunno y, it started to get worse dis morning. i felt out of breath and my heart seems to be pumping v fast. the worse ting was tt wen my head started to spin, i couldn't even seem to keep my balance. i felt reli tired too. i feel like coming to a stop to take a rest. aft i rched hm, i went to bed and slpt for about 6 hrs. and now, i still feel tired. hais. i din talk much today too. i juz feel like shutting myself from the outside world for a while, to come to a stop and to take a rest before moving on. probably bcoz of dis, i can't seem to stand the silence i feel everytime and wen laughter breaks into the silence, i just feel like walking away.

ALONE. dis word suits me more than anything else. i noe tt at a crucial time like dis, the last ting i need now is distractions. wad i need now, is full concentration.

- the silence is killing me. -

me and you?

Sunday, October 02, 2005, 1:01 AM

hello! *waves excitedly in a foolish manner* lols. im back. haven been updating coz i was reli busy and i am freaking tired! why tired?! why busy?! needless to say, it's bcos of SUPERSTAR! and speaking of tt, i juz went to thier concert on friday! i can't upload the pics and the entry immediately coz i was too tired. lols. i went to bed immediately wen i went home lors! so tired nia! din even go online lors! but don worry, im here alr. to gif u an exciting account of wad happened! lols. ( fiona kept requesting me to update my blog. lols. i nv knew my blog was popular! *blush* )

on friday, i met up wif siqi at amk mrt at about 6.30 in the evening. i woked up reli late and so we had to meet at dis time. we din had dinner bcoz of dis. the journey was a real quiet one. hais. we alighted at expo and during the 5 mins walk to the venue of the concert, guess who did we saw?! we saw CUI PENG. not many ppl will noe him i guess coz he's not v popular. he's the star tt acts in the 7pm show on ch 8. the china star larhs! lols. he asked the both of us for directions and i told him the wrong one! lols. i din noe wad. i only realised tt i gave him the wrong directions later! lols. i bought a few chicken wings later wen we r outside the concert hall. lols. i devoured all of it like a babarian. lols. the seating of the concert hall was not a gd one! it was kinda far frm the stage and the way the seats r arranged aren't impressive at all! how i wish the concert was held at the indoor stadium! at least i can get a clear view of the stage and i dun haf to strain my neck to c the concert! *humph*

anyway, here r some pics of the concert! it's not v clear though coz i was seated kinda far. but at least u can figure out who thy r i hope. ( claire, don complain! lols. )

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[ candyce toh hui ping. quite pretty lehs she. hahas. ]

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[ it's her again! hahas. i don reli like her singing though. ]

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[ the five FAKE judges. lols. weijian is in dere! can u c him?! ((: ]

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[ eeeee. jason & candyce dancing tango. -.- ]

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[ junyang & candyce singing a lover's duet! keke. ]

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[ and thy sang... ]

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[ and sang...*yawns* ]

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[ junyang and weilian singing tong hua! lols. ]

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[ thy noe how to play guitar sia. talented man! lols. ]

[ loads of pics on junyang. heehee. ]

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[ kelly & weilian singing 'somewhere out there'. ]

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[ kelly and xin hui singing ' yi shi de mei hao'! ]

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[ it's my favourite song of all k! heex. ]

[ all on kelly! ]

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[ the superstar lovers! ]

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[ wei coong! he's oso botak like weijian! keke. ]

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[ finally! it's weijian! weijian weijian weijian! ]

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[ wei lian and his sister singing ' pei wo kan ru chu'. ]

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[ omg! not only can wei lian sing, he can play the piano too! ]

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[ xin hui and her sister, xin rui, singing 'you ni zhen hao'. ]

[ xin hui, xin rui and yi feng. lols. ]

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[ all on xin hui! ]

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[ wei lian and yi feng! the audience can dedicate songs in this segment! ]

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[ last but not least, all on weijian, yi feng and wei coong. keke. ]

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y do so much people noe abt the truth behind it all?! hais. y can't some ppl b trusted? once, i trusted u whole-heartedly and dis is wad u do to me? thanks man. i guess, some people goes to all thier means to protect me, while some r juz trying thier best to pull me down. to those who protected me, thank you! ((:

wad is it? tt feeling. how do u put it in words? is it love or a moment of folly? i don wan to commit the mistake i made in the past. though i nv did regret making tt mistake five yrs ago. the mistake of falling in love.

- me and you? -