forever twenty-one ;

a life without love.

Saturday, February 18, 2006, 2:41 PM

pardon me for being such a nuisance, but i have to blog out my feelings again. you are probably the only listener that i can relate to for the moment. the only one who can hear me out. the only one who cares to know how i feel. you are probably the only one i can turn to now.

this is the only place where you can find my tears, my laughters, my anger. in fact, everything that i truly feel can only be found here. it's not that i can't find any friends who is willing to lend a listening ear, it's just that i feel they don't seem to really be there. everyone is still around, but it just seems that they are very far away from me. maybe i'm thinking too much, but i seriously feel that i'm alone. very alone. you don't have to come up to tell me how much you care, i just need you to let me to feel that you are there. but so far, noone has given me that kind of feeling. how i wished i am schooling now, at the very least, i can still feel my own presence among my friends. i can still relate to them like how i used to. now? all i can do is to type it out here, to let others know how i feel. a wish can only be a wish. whether can it be fufilled is another thing, entirely another thing.

i'm tired of putting up a strong front in front of my friends, telling them that 'i'm fine' and that 'i'll be ok'. sometimes when they ask me, are you ok? i feel like telling them that i'm not ok and beg them to hear me out. i feel like pouring out my woes to whoever cares. but i'm surprised, as i can't anymore. maybe my friends are right, maybe i have changed. i have changed to someone who can be happy in front of my friends and be crying at home. i have changed to become more hot-headed and mean. why? am i trying to prove to others that i'm not weak at all? what do i gain from all this? sighs.

chris is attached already and you know what? i'm the one who sparked off his relationship with another girl. one simple thing i did can bring two person together. lols. isn't it great? i'm like an angel eh? hahas. i wasn't feeling very good before that cos my own love life is like SHIT and i still managed to 'bring them together'? come to think of it, i'm pretty cool eh? but wierdly, it jus pulled my mood down much much more. i cried after that. i know clearly that i cry not bcos i'm jealous, but bcos i haf the thought that why is god so unfair? why can't my own love life be a little better? but it's a blessing that they can be together. look at me now. hais. he's so much better off then me lor. i just hope chris would treasure her and that he wouldn't toy with her feelings like how he did to other girls. i won't let him off if he ever does that cos girls should not be bullied! hahas. =))

and as for you, why are you coming to me again? stop doing things for the sake of doing, can't you do it from the bottom of you heart? sighs. it's ok i guess. i'll let time prove everything this time. i'll take one step at a time and see how things go. hopefully, everything will work it's way out soon. even if it doesn't, i'll find my way out of all this. i will. but i can promise, that you won't see me treating you like how i used to. so no use treating me like how you used to. even though a small part of me feels happy, another part of me is strongly pushing it away. sighs.

amanda, you said that you're disappointed in me. if i were you and if i had such a fren, i will be disappointed too. disappointed to have a fren who is unwilling to change her perspective of love since years back and till now, has never intend to change. i'm disappointed in myself too. i am.

- i shall bury everything within me this time. -