i thought it was so cool.

so cool that i did not mention about him in the last few entries.

aha.

LOOK AT WHAT I'M DOING NOW.

needless to say, venting out my emotions about him.

i am a total retard, a senseless moron, a complete idiot.

i clicked on his freaking blog and i saw his photos. i clicked on his friendster and i saw more photos. i clicked on his msn and i just managed to see more.

isn't it cool? (:

he is everywhere.

i cannot shake him off or get him out of my mind. i cannot get him out of my life.

i start getting emo and i start to cry in front of the damn computer.

I WISH I PRAY I HOPE I BEG I WANT I NEED HIM TO COME BACK.

4 months already. how long will this go on?

out of sight, out of mind?

NO. IS DOESN'T WORK FOR ME. IT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME AT ALL.

this is a torture.

- please come back -

HAHAHAHA.

my mother is so 'CUTE' can? i came home at around 11 plus and when i went into the room, she started to force open my door. she couldn't come in of course, i kept the doors locked. (: then, she nags at me from outside and i ignored her as usual. when she went back into her room, i silently crept out of my room to have a nice bath. halfway through, the water turned cold. it was then did i realised she had turned off the power supply. i went out and turned on the power supply and continued to ignore her childish actions. after i finished bathing, i realised that the entire house was DARK. you know what? she switched off the lights of the entire house. at that moment, i could even predict her next move. when i went back into my room, i tried to turn on the air-con but it remained OFF-ED. yeah she turned off the power supply of the air-con.

YEAH. MY MOTHER CAN BE SOO LAME AT TIMES. -.-

i went out with amanda, claire and eileen to kbox just now. we went to the marina square outlet and damn that place. IT WAS REALLY DIFFERENT FROM THE REST OF THE OUTLETS. it's so high class can? there's disco lights in every single room and the layout is just so cool. i will go there to sing the next time. :D i was hoping that i can see ADAM ( MY MISTRESS ), but unfortunately he wasn't there. i guess he's not working today. we sang for hours on end and eileen was the last to arrived because she had school today. oh btw, did i mention that i was an hour late? hahahahaha! :x

after our k-session, we were discussing where to have our dinner. there were many many many suggestions but we end up having dinner at the food court. -.- please don't look down on the food court at marina square i tell you, you can have a very splendid view of the esplanade at the balcony. it's super pretty. :D claire and i had claypot rice while amanda and eileen had some noodle thingy. we wanted to eat the FONDUE there cos it's fucking cheap. do you know what's a fondue? it's a dessert whereby you dip marshmallows, strawberries etc into melted chocolate! it looks so yummy! but all of us was too full to have any fondue. ):

then, amanda came up with a suggestion. she said "let's go shopping at suntec." i almost burst into tears when i heard that. why? because i wore my sister's shoes today and it's so freaking hard that it makes my feet so sore and painful. when i say that it hurts, i really mean it. i went to the extent of sticking almost 10 plasters on my feet to prevent the blisters from tearing. but it's of no use! the blisters all tore and my skin was ripped off. IT'S FUCKING PAINFUL AH. i never felt so much pain when i wear shoes in my life. NEVER. this is the last time i'm wearing those damned shoes i tell you. anyway, when i wore them, i kinda squashed them until they are like 'deformed'? i hope my sister won't find out. -.-

i bear with the pain all the way while they were shopping. they even went to places like carrefour to shop. can you imagine it? CARREFOUR? sighs. my poor legs. ):

we gave each other funny nicknames today. (:

AMANDA: AH MAN
CLAIRE: AH YONG
EILEEN: AH FAT
ME: AH BYE

every name has a special meaning in it. wahahahaha! x)

then, ah liang ge came along to return eileen her ez-link card and we left suntec city. claire felt that it was early so she didnt want to go home. she met her co-workers for supper while the rest of us went home. damn it. i need to rest my feet. if not, i won't be able to go ice-skating on friday. ): amanda, claire and eileen asked me out for a shopping trip on friday too. hmms ... i feel like going to both. well, we shall see how it goes.

i'll update about the two chalets the next time yeah? meanwhile, just make do with this entry. hohoho! :x

- can i really be a superstar? -

i seriously don't know what to blog now. i am here to update because many people told me to update. hahahaha. :x

for the past few days, i was really busy because there was so many things to attend and so many places to go. i wasn't home for like 5 days and 4 nights? kua zhang eh? but it was really the truth. i attend two chalets, my class chalet and my nephew's one monthsary chalet. i even stayed at cynthia's house for 2 nights. anyway, i'll update about them SOON. it must be due to all this running around that resulted in me being sick. i'm having a fever laa. the last time i took my temperature was 37.8 degrees. i listened to hui hua and deyu liao leh. i ate medicine and drank water but i still feel uncomfortable. ): it must also be that i went to the hospital with my sister today that adds on to the upcoming fever. my immunity must be low and the germs attacked me laa. must be it. hospitals are full of all these dirty things. FUCK THOSE GERMS OK?! GET OUT OF MY BODY LAA. ):

now we have two sick people in the family. my sister and me. ): my sister is in a worse condition than me lor. she is having a fever for one week alr and she developed rashes all over her body! she went to the hospital and she did 3 blood tests you know. poor sister of mine. hais. when i see those damn needles being jammed into her body i felt so OUCH for her. it must have hurt a lot. the doctor suspects that it might be dengue fever and she is going for another blood test tml. god bless her please. ):

there's a CE library talk tml and i wonder whether should i go or not. my temp is on the rise and i feel weak all over. but i don't have any CE points leh. futhurmore, there is CO tml. how ah? someone help me please? i think i'll decide when i wake up tml. hais. ):

btw, i changed my blogskin and the song already. is it nice? comments please.

this describes how i feel for him now. we need to move on with our lives already. we are at different crossroads already. i still can't let him go though. he will forever be a part of my memory that no one can take away. he will be kept in my heart and he can never be replaced.

- can't say goodbye -

i'm over at my brother's house now, using his computer to blog. i have nothing to do ah so i might as well blog. hahas.

eh i'm came over to see baby en en but he keep sleeping ah. the last time i came, he was sleeping. this time, he is also sleeping. so disappointing can? i want to play with him ah but he keep sleeping. then, i have nothing to do now. so bored can? ):

anyway, en en is my baby nephew who was born last month. hahas. did i mentioned it in my blog? well anyway, at least i mentioned it now. lols. he is my brother's baby and this means that i'm his GUGU! hahahaha. i amma a small aunt! xiao gu gu. :x

he is super duper cute and he smells really really nice! (cynthia, i bet he smells better than roy. muahahaha. :x) he has grown quite a bit everytime i come over to see him. babies grows fast leh. don't you think so? (: i wanna carry him so much ah. but he's so fragile that makes me afraid of carrying him. i think i'll only carry him when he's a little older. oh ya! there will be a chalet held at pasir ris for baby en en because it's his first month! so fast ah? hahahaha. anyone wants to see this cute little thing? there will be so much chalets for me during this coming week. both my class chalet and the baby's chalet is closely lined up with each other lor. busy busy busy! :D

anyway, you all can go to http://jabberjaw.multiply.com/ to check out baby en en's photos! there are plenty of them dere ah. i'm lazy to upload them into my blog. hehehe. :x

i went out with sean ytd and i was almost 2 hours late. (sorry dude. i kinda overslept? :x) we went to this fish and co look alike restaraunt to have our dinner. i think the name has mahanttan in it. i can't remember. :x the food there was ultra filling lor. there was things like fries, rice, prawns and fish all in that plate of food. :o as usual, sean gave me a treat. well, i think i'll treat him to dinner or movies one of these days? hahahaha. :x

after dinner, we went and watched the movie, MY SUPER EX-GIRLFRIEND. hahaha. it's a nice show ah. got some very HOTTTT scences in the show. woohoo. :x there are some movies that i wanna watch ah. they are:

1) Little Man
2) Love Wrecked
3) The Devil Wears Prada
4) Some Local Singaporean Movie (seems nice when i saw the preview)

anyone wanna watch these movies? i wanna watch ah. :D

- he broke her heart, she broke his everything -

i think nobody is coming to my blog since i've abandoned it for so long. look at the tagboard and comments board, it's so COLD and LEFT ALONE. -.-

NO ONE IS TAGGING ALREADY. ):

well, guess i'll update more often nowadays? eh try laa. i have a busy life you know. (:

on wednesaday, i had a so called class gathering with my sec sch friends. why did i mention the word so called? because it was just a meeting up session with a few guys from the class. so i don't think it really is a class gathering because the whole class wasn't invited. hohoho. i went home to put my heavy labtop (it weighs a ton) before meeting up with amanda and claire at orchard. suprisingly, i was the first to reach. :D they came a little later after me and we went off to meet tony and gang at far east. tony and dewei arrived first with two other guys i don't know. i think it's their friends bah. anyway, they hanged around with us for the whole day. duhhh. i told you it's not a class gathering already. -.- darran came awhile later and we shopped around far east. all of them asked me "you go africa to be a volunteer issit? you're still so thin lor." eeyer. i think i'm fatter liao lor and they say i'm thin. darran is not v fat also ah. i think he's worse than me. hohoho. claire bought curry puffs cos she was hungry (what a pig!) while i bought bubble tea cos i was thirsty. then, we called yi long to ask him to come down and he really did. hahas. mus be because i'm there thats y he came down ah. hahahaha. :x

we walked over to cineleisure and happened to pass by sembawang music center. i was thinking whether will edward be working anot, but i didn't see him around so i guessed he wasn't working. but then, i receive a msg from him and he said i was dao bcos i didn't turn around when he called me. i was kinda blurred bcos i didn't even see him anywhere. i guess he saw me somewhere but i didn't see him and when he called me, i didn't hear him i guess. i still don't understand why i'm always bumping into him. haw haw. ): we had our dinner at chicago steakhouse and the food there is quite nice and cheap. we crapped a lot there and i forced dewei to feed me ah. hahaha. he is freaking attached already but he will always be my laogong ah. they keep taking scandal pictures of us cos they want to show his girfriend. hahaha. so lame can? we walked back to orchard mrt and on the way there, i was forcing everyone to piggyback me and no one wanted to. jerks ah! all of them! pui pui pui! hahahaha. amanda, claire and me went home while the rest of the guys went to kpool after that. it was a fun day! (:

on friday, i met up with amanda and eileen to study. i amma hardworking girl. (: we went to wdl regional library to study. amanda reached first followed by me. we managed to find a table and we studied while waiting for eileen to come. i found some useful books for some of my modules in poly and i borrowed one of them. VISUAL BASICS! i'm going to tackle that damn programming thing. it can drive me nuts you know. we crapped a little BUT we did study hokays. at around 9 pm, we stopped studying and went to the food court to have our dinner before going home. when i reached home, i was so full that i can't eat anymore. i ate a tiny bit and i packed the remaining food in the fridge. haw haw. -.-

three more days to the end of semester one and three more days to the class chalet. i'm not looking forward to any of it because this marks the end of everything between me and him. i don't want to lose any form of connection with him. i want to retain every bit of hope that i have.

god, help me please. ):

- i can die just to hear you play the piano -

i am on the verge of tearing myself apart just now. be glad that i have settled my emotions before blogging. maybe i have not settled my emotions yet, maybe i am just supressing them. i don't want to let all this emotions take over me. i am suppressing them like how i am doing it to my love for him ... i am keeping it buried deep down.

two months. the incident has been over for almost two months and we are still not talking. we would be changing class in less than two weeks time. after this two weeks, i will never be able to see him seated in class like how i am able to see it everyday now. i can no longer jump around to get his attention. hoping that he will take notice of me. hoping that he might talk to me like he used to. i can no longer step into class every morning and look at him from the doorway anymore. i cannot even see his smile anymore, not even his backview ...

i miss how he looked on the first day when i stepped into class. he was the first person i saw. i can still remember the levis jacket he wore during the orientation. i can remember where he was seated. he was seated at the seat closest to the door. i can still remember the first time he added me in msn. our first conversation. how we used to talk all the way until morning. how his eyes became sore because of all this late night chats. i miss the way he blames me everytime for being late for school. i miss the way he drew a pig on my hand and how i drew a shit on his. i miss the way he calls me a bian tai when he caught me peeping at him in class. i miss how he looked when i baked cookies for him. i miss the secret code we had. i miss how he cheered me up when i was upset. i missed the cola lollipop he bought for me. i miss everything that once happened.

i miss those times.

but to him, do i even exist? do i even play a tiny role in his life?

i don't think he will even miss me even if i were to die. he would miss everyone in the world, except for me i guess. even my best friend weighs much more to him than me now.

what can i do then? there is nothing i can do. absolutely nothing ...

somehow, i hope he reads this. although i know it would never happened. not even a shooting star can grant my wish. not even a miracle can make it happened.

- my heart is split into two. i have no way to choose. i can only abide by the rules. -

i am sho sho sho tired can?

i just got back from an outing with my poly friends. the entire class made a pact to go to the esplanade to view fireworks today! it was national day eve and they are lighting fireworks at the esplanade! almost the whole class went. some didn't came though because they had other plans while some agreed to come but later pang seh us. lester and adrian met up with their friends laa. so in the end, only half of the class was there. =(

neverthless, it was fun! x))

i went to chinese orch after school with angeline. unlike april, i'm a GOOD and NICE girl so i didn't skip practice. lols. the practice session was miserable though, not much people turned up and there was only a handful of people there. saddening eh? i think the rp chinese orchestra is seriously miserable laa. the standard is a bit not up to par lor. ok laa. i don't think is a bit. i think is VERY not up to par. lols. anyway, i want to take part in the BIG BIG BIG performance at the istana this coming november! why? because we can earn up to 5 CE points at one shot! that will be soooo good cos i need the points badly! this means i can miss 5 boring talks in a row you know. =D

i am supposed to meet up with my friends after practice and since there was time, i went home first. i was just 15 mins late you know. =D the sad thing was that MANY people came later than me. lols. when i alight at city hall mrt, i think i could have just died on the spot. THE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE THERE WAS OVERWHLEMING. after much phone calls and sms-ing, i managed to meet up with arifin, kenny and roy there. we proceeded to marina square to meet up with wardha, april, shurin and meme. finally after a hard time, we finally got hold of them and we sat at the BIG BIG staircase in front of marina square! i hate the lights though because it was shining directly into my eyes and it was freaking distracting. shurin and me had to fight the impulse of flinging our shoes at it you know. =\ we saw pasti and kenneth there but my poor hui hua couldn't meet up with us bcos she was stuck in the freakish shopping mall due to the overwhelming crowd. she only managed tosee the fireworks from within. i hate the crowd laa!

speaking of the fireworks, it was FUCKING nice ok? i was sooo captivated by it's beauty. april and i hugged each other and squealed like little girls when we saw the dark sky being lighted up by an array of bright colours. hahas. even the icy shurin who appeared quiet at first, joined in the squealing afterwards. then when wardha joined in, we started to scream andshout like crazy women. lols. it was really exciting seeing all this lor! it's been months since i last saw fireworks. the last time i saw it was during the countdown to the year 2006 and guess what? it was at the esplanade too. =)

the fire works lasted for 15 mins and i feel that it wasn't enough. i wish i could see more sia. can't they just extend it more? it's the nation's birthday leh. they can extend it until like say ... 1 hour? hohoho. i think the sky will be so polluted by then. lols. i especially love the golden glittery ones whereby they rained down the sky like gold dust. it's so nice laa. some of them even looked like diamonds and sperms you know. LOL.

we met up with the rest after that. sadly, ken and cynthia missed a great show. they were so late that by the time they came, the fireworks was over. -.- we hanged around and went to newton circus to have some late night supper. shurin, meme and wardha didn't joined us. =( i wanted to eat some yummylicious crabs or prawns there but it was so costly that i didn't want them anymore. no ones wants to eat crabs or prawn also. lols. in the end, i end up eating chicken wings and char kway tiao. i think the char kway tiao sucks man. cheat my money. knn lor. =\

after that, kenneth and hui hua boarded a cab and they went home. ken and roy went to cynthia's hse while arifin, kenny, april and me took the same cab home. arifin was nice enough to send april and me until our doorsteps sia. i ask you arh, how many guy friends of yours will actually send you until your doorstep? not much right? see he is nice lor. and ya, kenny was nice too. thanks guys. =)

btw, ROY FINALLY PIGGYBACKED ME. hohoho. maybe he isn't that bias after all. i will treat him better cynthia. but he is still mean to me laa! he swirled me around until i was so dizzy lor. ahhh evil ... =\

now, i'm off to bed. hohoho. today ish public holiday ... so high can?

HAPPY 41st BIRTHDAY SING-A-PORE! x))

- it felt different bcos you wasn't there -

i am being told to update by many people ... so here i am. =)

one short week has passed but many things have happened. for this past one week, i missed another day of school, managed to skip two UTs and being terribly late for almost all the lessons. isn't it great? ((:

i am really upset and disappointed in myself. i realised that i always know what is wrong with my behaviour and character but i have never really taken the intiative to improve myself. at least, i'm going to get moving and adopting some changes that will benefit me for good. i hope it's not too late this time. but seriously, i don't know where to start. there's so much loopholes that i don't know where to start getting it fixed. but i think i'll start from my studies first. i think it's the most important thing for now.

well, no more of such stuffs starting on monday. i'm serious this time. no more slacking and there will be no more putting-my-maths-till-the-next-day thought from monday onwards. i am going to work hard. yes i am. yes i will. that includes being punctual for lessons and working hard in maths and in sch. we'll see how it goes. =)

anyway, i went out with amanda and eileen today. i met up with them at dhoby ghaut around 6 in the evening. we went and had dinner at macdonals and we had a good chat there. at first, they wanted to eat yoshinoya. )): so bad of them right? they knew that i hate yoshinoya yet they want to eat there. lols. but luckily we ate at mac in the end. we saw a bunch of gay looking guys there and they are seriously gayish. they dress like girls and act like girls. i have nothing against such people but sometimes it just feels wierd to see guys dressing like this. neverthless, we can't blame them bcos they are born like this. but i especially hate it when those gays turn out to be cute guys! argh! i feel SO wasted can? god, pls don let cute guys be gay. )):

after our dinner, we went to cathay cineplex to catch the movie click. it turned out to be a really nice movie. be sure to catch it in cinemas. it's touching and at the same time funny. i give it 4 stars. ((:

we shopped around at plaza sing before the movie started and i bought a new box of foundation from the face shop. my old one is finishing soon. but the freaking thing is i left it with eileen and i forgot to get it back from her when we went home. lols. we were rushing for the last train and it kinda slipped our mind. hahas. neverthless, it was an enjoyable day. too bad claire couldn't join us bcos she's working. luckily i met up with her and eileen last monday already. needless to say, i met up with amanda last wednesday too. i had lotsa fun. ((:

after this one week, i've seen true colours of the people around me. some good and some bad. i'm already kinda numbed by this fact. i just don't really like people commenting when they don't know much about me. i'm in no position to comment if i dont know much about others either. unless what others say sounds logical and makes sense or if the comment can improve me as a person, if not, i think it will be wise to make sure that you understand me before making any comments. i realised you can't depend on anyone except for yourself. what's important is that you don't feel guilty and you are clear in whatever you are doing. answer to no one but yourself. i have my bad points and i'm willing to change, what about you? the one who is reading this now. are you willing to? ((:

don't worry people. i'm not angered. i'm just having some thoughts in my mind. i wish to voice it out and make sure my thoughts are a little more organised. i guess the truest and closest friends i can have ... is those from my sec sch. i have found them. =)

one more thing, I LOVE MY DADDY because he came down to fetch he's little girl even if it means scarificing he's sleep. ((:

many loves to you dad. <3

- lonely walks -