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herhiddenthoughts
Mood: Excited. Quotes: “Like a rainbow fading in the twinkling of an eye, gone too soon.”
i miss you so much.
Friday, August 11, 2006, 12:19 AM
i am on the verge of tearing myself apart just now. be glad that i have settled my emotions before blogging. maybe i have not settled my emotions yet, maybe i am just supressing them. i don't want to let all this emotions take over me. i am suppressing them like how i am doing it to my love for him ... i am keeping it buried deep down.

two months. the incident has been over for almost two months and we are still not talking. we would be changing class in less than two weeks time. after this two weeks, i will never be able to see him seated in class like how i am able to see it everyday now. i can no longer jump around to get his attention. hoping that he will take notice of me. hoping that he might talk to me like he used to. i can no longer step into class every morning and look at him from the doorway anymore. i cannot even see his smile anymore, not even his backview ...

i miss how he looked on the first day when i stepped into class. he was the first person i saw. i can still remember the levis jacket he wore during the orientation. i can remember where he was seated. he was seated at the seat closest to the door. i can still remember the first time he added me in msn. our first conversation. how we used to talk all the way until morning. how his eyes became sore because of all this late night chats. i miss the way he blames me everytime for being late for school. i miss the way he drew a pig on my hand and how i drew a shit on his. i miss the way he calls me a bian tai when he caught me peeping at him in class. i miss how he looked when i baked cookies for him. i miss the secret code we had. i miss how he cheered me up when i was upset. i missed the cola lollipop he bought for me. i miss everything that once happened.

i miss those times.

but to him, do i even exist? do i even play a tiny role in his life?

i don't think he will even miss me even if i were to die. he would miss everyone in the world, except for me i guess. even my best friend weighs much more to him than me now.

what can i do then? there is nothing i can do. absolutely nothing ...

somehow, i hope he reads this. although i know it would never happened. not even a shooting star can grant my wish. not even a miracle can make it happened.

- my heart is split into two. i have no way to choose. i can only abide by the rules. -



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