dear diary,

maybe typing it out in here will make me feel a little better. i don't have a choice because i am only left with you. i can't tell anyone except for you so please hear me out. noone is there to hear me out right now and i can't tell anyone because everyone is too busy now. i can't even tell the person who said he will never abandon me because i don't know how to speak and to voice it out anymore. it's not that i don't want to tell but i don't know how to tell.

i don't want to be a girl who is always bugging him with my problems. i don't want to be someone who only complains about my life to him. i don't want to be someone who knows what is wrong with myself and yet i don't take any intiative to change my own life. i don't want to affect him because of my mood. i don't want to be someone who only vents my temper and fustrations on him.

but somehow, i am always doing this to him.

i feel horrible and i feel so guilty. i don't want to but sometimes i cannot help myself. i always treat people i like and people who are important to me like this. is there something wrong with me?

this is not being specially treated. this is like some kind of torture that i have to put him through everyday. this is happening so frequently that i forgot when was the last time we are having a happy talk. i miss those times so much. i never thought i would miss them.

i hate myself for destroying all those things that i once have. i didn't know how much i cherished them and when it's lost, i start to panic and blame myself for what i have done and for causing so much unhappiness to him. yet, no matter how much i hate myself for doing so, i still do it cos i cannot help it. i just cannot hide what i feel and i just need to express it out. this is not a part of me anymore. this is what i'm made up of. this is me.

in a split second, i made a choice to forget all about this and to give up on myself. i felt that i should stop all this. i should ignore him and to really start treating him as any normal person. i should treat him as another friend i have.

do i feel happy?

no i don't feel happy at all.

i am crying.

i can be laughing in the window but my tears just keeps flowing down my cheeks. my eyes are swollen from all this stupid sobbing and crying and i don't know why. i just felt like letting my emotions out to make me feel better after i realised what i've done. i don't want to cry bcos crying doesn't help to solve the problem but i still did. it just makes me feel better. i don't know why i cried for him, i didn't even cried for any other guys except for the people i loved deeply before.

if i can free him from all this stupid things that i do daily, then why not?

if it makes him happy, then i will do it.

cheer up yeh ying.

(:

please tell me i did not make a wrong choice.

i'm falling in love.

i am traumatized.

i am being stalked again last night.

i was going home at around 10 plus last night and i was taking the highly lit route home as usual. there wasn't anyone around except for this bangala who was crossing the road. he was about to walk towards the pavement that was leading up to my house and when he saw me, he abruptly stopped in his tracks and backtracked a little to wait by the roadside with his back facing me. from time to time, he would turned behind to look at whether am i heading towards his direction.

even though i was on the phone, i could somehow detect that something was amiss from his actions and i just turned behind and walked in the opposite direction. when he saw this, he immediately followed me from behind and i quickly put down the phone. i went down the stairs and walked through the covered walkway and when i turned behind, i actually saw him jumping across the drain and cutting across the grass just to close the distance with me and to cut my path.

when i saw this, i am already freaking out so i immediately ran for my dear life. luckily, there was this aunty in front of me and i told her what happened and she was really nice to accompany me and to follow me throughout the long walk. that fucking stalker continued following us and he was hoping that aunty would somehow walk away or move away so that i will end up being alone. sadly for him, this did not happen. the aunty accompanied me and we sat down and this stalker had no choice but to walk pass us. before he walk away, he actually turned around to glance at me for the last time.

i called my mum and sis along the way and they came down to accompany me back home. i am so traumatized, i ended up crying all the way home.

thanks to the aunty who happened to be around. if she wasn't around at that point in time, who can actually imagine what could possibly happen?

this is the fourth time i am being stalked in a year. i am really freaking out. i really don't know what to do anymore. i am already on full alert and i am alr taking precaution to protect myself from this people but it is happening over and over again. i reported this to the police so many god damn fucking times and yet this is still happening. what is actually happening to the society? what are the police doing? this is not a safe country at all. it's only 10 pm at night and such things can actually happen. what is wrong?

i am so worried for myself. i don't know when this will stop. i am seriously living in some kind of fear. i am thinking when will be the next time and when i might stop getting lucky and end up getting raped or murdered.

can anyone help me? i feel so helpless right now.

what if the next time, i won't even have the chance to be sitting here and to type out all this to tell you all what actually happened.

my life is in danger somehow.

save me.

even though you are so close to me,
i realised we are apart.
we are so far apart
that there is nothing you can do to help.

i am alone.

i'm in the office now, trying my best to finish up whatever i could.

i don't want to continue working anymore. i'm sick of this working life.

• i hate to wake up early in the morning.
• i hate that i have to try so hard to be on time.
• i hate to wait for the train and to go through the long journey to work everyday.
• i hate squeezing in the train with all those working adults.
• i hate the way the aircon in the office makes me cold and my eyes dry.
• i hate the way the ang mo boss spies on me.
• i hate sleeping in the toilet during free time.
• i hate the boring paper work.
• i hate the way everyone gossips and backstabs one another.

now, i understand why studying is so much better than working life. i wanna study for as long as i can.

HAI!

you send me a sms in the wee hours of the morning. somehow, i'm puzzled by what you are trying to tell me. are you trying to update me about your life or trying to keep in contact with me? or are you asking me to help you pass a message?

every now and then, i am still reminded of you. somehow, the memories of you just never fades away.

the occasional songs that is being played on my mp3 can just make you come alive in my life.

i can't forget you. up to this very second, i still can't.

i just want you to be blessed and to be happy. nothing else matters.

take care.

dolphine, belief, piggybacks, crystal ball

let me start off this post with ...



:DDD

i drew that and robin says it looks real can? i'm great at drawing SHIT and i'm so proud of it. no wonder i'm miss shitty.

MISS SHITTY DRAWS REAL NICE SHIT, HE SAYS.

the most suprising thing is i can draw watermelons too!



DAMN. I FORGOT TO ADD IN THE HANDS. BAH.

weihow, i can draw okay. please don't kua suay me. (:

recently i kept getting pang seh and i seriously don't know why. do i have a pang seh face? i only know i am miss pang sai and miss pang sai doesn't like getting pang seh. i rarely pang seh people and i get pang seh three times in a row this week. ):

anyway, FORGET IT.

being pang seh is a good thing i guess, i started on my maths revision already. more to come more to come! give me encouragement people! i need lots of them. the sole idea of retaking it again and going through the same procedure and knowing that i will cry my heart out again if i fail is enough to make me work for what i want.

AJA AJA FIGHTING YY!

i went to mandai with my family and relatives today to pray for my deceased grandma and grandpa. both of them are from different sides of my family. it was really hot and stuffy there. with all the raging fire and leaping flames and the additional help of the blazing weather, i think i can just melt on the spot. but since it's a one year one time thing and i'm there to pay respects because i want to, i seriously didn't mind.

looking at the pictures of my grandma and grandpa, i find it wierd how come a living person can just be reduced to a pile of ashes in the end and all is left is a picture of them looking back at you. the memories is still there in your mind, but the person just doesn't seem to be around anymore. they should be there but they are not.

the passing of my grandpa made my grandma miss him so much. she cried and she kneeled down in front of the altar with tears. she talks to him and tells him so much so much but can he hear what she said? i hope he did. just by looking at the sight in front of me made me felt like crying together with her. i cannot do anything to comfort or to ease her pain but i can only stroke her back lightly and to hold her hands. that's the only thing i can do ...

on the other hand, i miss my grandma a lot. i miss her so so so so so much. although it's been eight years since she's gone, the pain doesn't get any lesser. my heart still yearns to see her around once more. even though i was only ten when she died, i can still remember clearly what she always did. she is my favourite person in the family. my favourite person in the whole world.

I MISS YOU PO PO ..

):

there's some problems with msn and all my messages cannot be delivered. it's getting on my nerve!

BAH.



<3

hello!

look at the time this entry is posted. isn't it considered early for a night owl like me? hahahaha. i slept at around 5 am in the morning and i woke up so early can? you must be wondering why right? oh well, i missed work today and this explains why i'm here blogging. i woke up later than usual and when i sms my sis in law, she told me not to come for work today and to report on monday.

i've been missing work this entire week anyway. i'm in school most of the time and i have to attend STA workshops for three days in a row. the workshops are kinda fun although some of them made me really sleepy. the audio workshop, which is related to my field, is the only one that interest me. the rest is just so so only. the workshops are from 8.30 am to 4.30 pm, so how can i not get sleepy from all those lectures and presentations right? it's disappointing when you need to wake up at such early hours even when you're not working.

BAH!

i fixed my lappy yesterday already and i'm using it to blog now. you won't understand how great it is to be able to type without any lagging. i was stucked with the pentium 2 desktop for a month la. can you imagine how slow it is? anyway, my sis gave me this lappy and she bought a new one for herself alr.

WHEE! IT'S ALL MINE! :DDD

i'm going kboxing with sean later. meanwhile, here's some more left over pics from i-don't know-when.

my mum washed all my plushies one fine day and she set them out to dry. (:



the most adorable little thang.

















baby me and my mummy! :DDD



many people says that i look like a boy when i'm young la. seriously, i think so too.

BUT

don't you just see the cuteness in me?

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

dear big bird,

you say you will abandon me on 22/2/2222.

keep your promise. (:

yours truly,
elmo.

if i don't update any sooner, i really think i might be forgotten. LOL.

this is going to be a SUPER DUPER ULTRA LONG UPDATE, so if you really want to read this post, then i suggest you get some snacks or drinks so that you can munch your way through this entire post. (:

let me start off with the most recent event that happened to claire, eileen and me on sunday ...

WE MET A DICK FLASHER IN TOWN!

the worst thing that can ever happen to you is to meet four flashers and stalkers in just a few months time. if i ever buy 4Ds, i don't think i can actually get so heng also la! you know what i need now? i need personal body guards around me 24/7, just like how jolin tsai always have those macho men hanging around her. LOL! oh btw, did i forgot to mention i detest macho men? i just simply hate the sight of those sooner or later will be flabby muscles. :/

amanda couldn't join us that day cos she was sick. i hope you're feeling better already my dear. take lots of care okay! have plenty of water and rest alright? pls don't curse me la. i didn't made you sick. lols. we will meet up soon for sure. ):

anyway, pretty yeh ying met up with fatty claire and for the first time, pretty yeh ying wasn't late in a long long time. you should have seen the look on fatty claire's face. it was a classic and it feels good to see that reaction from her. it kinda boost me a little more to make an effort to be on time for the little things that i have to attend to in my everyday life. it's changing for the better! i'm sure it is. (:

we shopped around and i bought two tops! one from top shop and the other from zara. i bought them at a price of less than $50 la! damn cheap right? i'm a happy little girl cos i got such good buys. muahahaha. claire was the one who started my shopping crave that day cos she said i can dress like this and that to make myself look better and i have the assets (not the boobs and the ass) to make myself look better, so i shouldn't waste it. thinking back, why not? so i just started shopping. LOL!

eileen joined us and we went to subway for dinner at cineleisure. tony that asshole came along after work and joined us when we're halfway through eating because he couldn't find anyone to accompany him to wait for wai liang. what does this reflect about tony? this shows that he's a LONER!

HAHAHAHA.

after tony met wai liang, we went over to the macdonalds that is outside pacific plaza to have a drink. this was when tragedy strikes!

eileen and me chose a seat while claire went to get her drinks. i can clearly rmb that the opposite table was unoccupied and by the time claire got back, the opp table was occupied by this balding old man who was wearing SUPER DUPER ULTRA short pants. we're crapping away and i casually turned to the side and i saw this pink looking hairless banana like thing that is hanging down from his pants. i freaked out and told the rest of them and they went OMG when they saw it! we thought that he didn't know but eileen said wouldn't he feel that it's very airy for him down there? hahas. in the end, we choose to ignore until tony and wai liang happened to pass by and we called them to come over. once we did that, this balding old freak who was sitting beside us with that ugly thing hanging down for more than half an hour, immediately put his legs down and packed his stuffs and hurriedly went off.

so suspicious can! he did it on purpose la. if not, why did he left in such a hurry when the guys came over? he didn't even change his lame position for more than half an hour until the guys passed by la!

i can't imagine such people actually exist. they actually dare to do such things in orchard when so many people are walking by and sitting around.

FUCK YOUR OWN COCK LA. YOU DIRTY OLD BLADING FREAK WHO MOST PROBABLY HAVE NO INTERESTING SEX LIFE! NO WONDER YOU RESORT TO SUCH WAYS OF ENTERTAINMENT COS YOUR WIFE CANNOT SATISFY YOU IN BED! KNN LA YOU.

i'm done with the cursing. off to the pictures!

some left over pics from sentosa.







pics taken before we checked into the chalet.







pictures of my friends!

dennis and my face being cut off.



tony is acting gay with my bag.



sean at hog's breath in that smelly hog mascot. eww!





the night at the balcony.

tequila sunrise.



chocolate mint martini.



sex on the beach.



your mother. (:



the night before the haircut.









after the haircut with fatty claire. (:





















at work!









out with ken and cynthia.





on delun's birthday.







ignore that plate of uncooked chicken meat please.

more pictures in the next entry!

comment on the new skin and song please.

till then.

(: