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herhiddenthoughts
Mood: Excited. Quotes: “Like a rainbow fading in the twinkling of an eye, gone too soon.”
falling in love.
Saturday, March 31, 2007, 1:26 AM
dear diary,

maybe typing it out in here will make me feel a little better. i don't have a choice because i am only left with you. i can't tell anyone except for you so please hear me out. noone is there to hear me out right now and i can't tell anyone because everyone is too busy now. i can't even tell the person who said he will never abandon me because i don't know how to speak and to voice it out anymore. it's not that i don't want to tell but i don't know how to tell.

i don't want to be a girl who is always bugging him with my problems. i don't want to be someone who only complains about my life to him. i don't want to be someone who knows what is wrong with myself and yet i don't take any intiative to change my own life. i don't want to affect him because of my mood. i don't want to be someone who only vents my temper and fustrations on him.

but somehow, i am always doing this to him.

i feel horrible and i feel so guilty. i don't want to but sometimes i cannot help myself. i always treat people i like and people who are important to me like this. is there something wrong with me?

this is not being specially treated. this is like some kind of torture that i have to put him through everyday. this is happening so frequently that i forgot when was the last time we are having a happy talk. i miss those times so much. i never thought i would miss them.

i hate myself for destroying all those things that i once have. i didn't know how much i cherished them and when it's lost, i start to panic and blame myself for what i have done and for causing so much unhappiness to him. yet, no matter how much i hate myself for doing so, i still do it cos i cannot help it. i just cannot hide what i feel and i just need to express it out. this is not a part of me anymore. this is what i'm made up of. this is me.

in a split second, i made a choice to forget all about this and to give up on myself. i felt that i should stop all this. i should ignore him and to really start treating him as any normal person. i should treat him as another friend i have.

do i feel happy?

no i don't feel happy at all.

i am crying.

i can be laughing in the window but my tears just keeps flowing down my cheeks. my eyes are swollen from all this stupid sobbing and crying and i don't know why. i just felt like letting my emotions out to make me feel better after i realised what i've done. i don't want to cry bcos crying doesn't help to solve the problem but i still did. it just makes me feel better. i don't know why i cried for him, i didn't even cried for any other guys except for the people i loved deeply before.

if i can free him from all this stupid things that i do daily, then why not?

if it makes him happy, then i will do it.

cheer up yeh ying.

(:

please tell me i did not make a wrong choice.

i'm falling in love.



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