I THINK I'M DYING. (seriously)

i've been having death thoughts recently and i wonder why. maybe i never really recovered from the previous episode. that depression episode that took place during my sec sch years.

maybe i'm just too tired and i can't find any purpose to move on.

THERE ARE NO MORE PRETTY PRETTY BLOGSKINS.

my current skin is so much more pretty-looking than any of the other skins that are lying around in the internet.

i'm not changing it. (at least, not anytime soon)

designers, please do your job and conjure up some pretty pretty skins will ya?

AVRIL LAVIGNE - INNOCENCE

that's the singer and the song title peeps. [:

anyway, i got x japan's discography from a friend in class yesterday and yes i am damn high! my speakers are blasting with x japan at this very moment. i just love their style of music and not to mention, my loveable hide.

he's the one in the middle. [:



i seriously still love x japan's style of music when compared to other j rock bands. i just feel that they have a touch of magic in the way they play and compose their music when compared to the other j rock bands. the rest of the j rock bands sounds so ... artificial.

it's like when x japan plays all the different instruments, i can feel the originality in them. i can indentify the vocals, drums, guitar or bassit. as for the rest, i can only feel that their music is all jumbled up and mixed with different types of "unknown" instruments.

i love x japan because i never get sick of their music. (probably because of hide too.)

i'm not going to school later, not because i don't want to go, but because i don't have any lessons tml. heh. stop feeling jealous over it. (oh btw just ditch the fact that i missed school today alright? i know my limits.)

a little while ago, i went down to sembawang to meet terence cos we're going over to timbre to see ken perform at a gig. he drove me over before sending his friend home while i went in to meet cynthia and ken. i dunno what got into me but i was really emo and i shut up and refused to talk to terence. sorry about that, the emo-ness just suddenly came over me. luckily, i felt better after that and was able to crap again.

the gig was done for some kind of charity event and it was closed to the public. it was organised by RJC and i seriously didn't like the idea of having tons of such students surronding me. they're all over the place and it somehow feels wierd. nevertheless, we're there to see ken perform and it was seriously quite good. they sound so much better than the previous band who had that geeky campus superstar contestant as the lead singer. (he's just an eliminated contestant.)

we managed to get in FREE unlike those stupic RJC students who paid for the entrance fee. we even managed to fill our tummies with some food! what a steal!

we left soon after ken finished performing (i told you i cannot stand having all of those students surronding me.) and we went to cine's hong kong cafe to get some more food. it was seriously nice cos of the company and food. [:

after that, we head back to timbre cos cynthia and me was craving for the pizzas there and the owner said that there's one more set. terence wanted to draw some cash first and when we got back, the fucking place was about to close already. no more pizzas. ]:

cynthia my dear,

i know the sudden departure of your beloved teacher is really too much for you to take because it happened so suddenly. i cannot understand the pain that you feel but all i can say is that you will need to step out of the grief and to continue moving on with your life. you have always been strong and i know you will step out of it.

remember the memories that he left and the words that he said and turn it into a form of motivation for you. sometimes a person's departure in life is to make us more aware of the little things around us. it's to make us to take note of what we have missed out. god chose him to be the one to leave you, but he was also the one who made you learned so much and to shape who are you today.

i believe that you know what to do because i have confidence in you. [:

as for the rest of you out there, treasure your life because it may seem to be strong but it can just be gone in a split second. all it needs is your heart to stop beating.

life is that fragile.

good night people.

even though i'm fucking busy with my studies now, i've decided to take some time off to update my little humble abode.

oh well, my life is packed with work that's piling up and it's all coming from my studies. life is all about ...

PP, RJs, EVALUATIONS, UTs, REPORTS, WORKSHOPS & MATHS.

nevertheless, i have a little something to share with you all.

Waking up I see that everything is ok
The first time in my life and now it's so great
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that make life great
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

I found a place so safe, not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it's so clear
Feel calm I belong, I'm so happy here
It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliance, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now

And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It's so beautiful it makes you want to cry

This innocence is brilliance, it makes you want to cry
This innocence is brilliance, please don't go away
'Cause I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

This innocence is brilliance, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

listen to the song with the company of the lyrics and leave a comment about it. [:

i'll be more than glad to tell you the title and the singer if you don't know. this song is totally blissful.

i'm off to do MORE, MORE & MORE WORK! (i'm oh-so-tired.)

ta peeps.

i was chatting with eileen in msn just now and we had a rather funny conversation.

[: мıѕѕ ѕнıттγlıсıоus :] ♥ says (1:48 AM):
but i still nv forget abt john
how ah.
zhong du tai shen
єılєєи ` there is always a reason behind says (1:48 AM):
lols!
u need jie yao
[: мıѕѕ ѕнıттγlıсıоus :] ♥ says (1:49 AM):
how?
he is the jie yao.
lol
єılєєи ` there is always a reason behind says (1:49 AM):
no no
he is the tu yao
u need a jie yao from gao ren
[: мıѕѕ ѕнıттγlıсıоus :] ♥ says (1:50 AM):
no.
he is the du yao
he is also the jie yao.
he is also the gao ren who can give me the jie yao.
HAHA.
єılєєи ` there is always a reason behind says (1:50 AM):
LOL
no no
he is the one who hai u zhong du so he is the du yao he cannot be ur jie yao u cannot yi du gong du
[: мıѕѕ ѕнıттγlıсıоus :] ♥ says (1:56 AM):
aiyo can la
he is the jie yao
he can only jie the du
noone can.
if he don help me jie du
i will zhui du shen wang.
єılєєи ` there is always a reason behind says (1:57 AM):
hahaha
wun la.
u will really soon find the person who pass u the jie yao
[: мıѕѕ ѕнıттγlıсıоus :] ♥ says (2:00 AM):
he is the only one who can.
met many people already but to no avail.
he is really the only one i guess. [:

although it appears to be funny, i seriously meant every word i've said. i've met countless of unsincere bastards who expresses their interest and simply walk out of my life. i've also met people who stayed in my life and became good friends. i've also met really sincere people who goes all out to show their love and continued to be the pillar of strength when i need their help.

somehow, i just can't seem to develop any concrete feelings for all these people i've met. all the feelings or interest just seems to be gone in a split second and i'm back to square one. the feelings are weak and they just can't seem to last. once again, i will end up thinking that i don't need anyone in my life and i will be confident that i can find that special person who can make me love him like how you made me felt. seriously, does that person even exist? what am i searching for? what do i actually want?

everytime when someone new is about to enter my life, my thoughts will still be drawn to you. it just happens naturally and i can't control it. you are just deep down somewhere inside me and i can't just seem to throw you aside. i can't seem to forget you no matter how hard i've always tried.

somehow, you just seem to be the only one who is high above the rest and you just seem to be the only one. everyone who is close to me will surely know about you. every single update about you that you tell me can make me elated. a simple gesture or word from you can make me or break me, just like what happened today. you have such amazing powers and i always wonder why.

i have already moved on with my life and i am meeting new people everyday. i am still as busy like how i've always been. i am still the way like how i used to be. you told me not to change for anyone or just because someone says so, but only to change because i want to. i've moved on with that thought in my mind and with every single word deeply etched in my mind.

then why is it when the city is sleeping in the midst of the night, the memories we share just plays back like an old film without any sound in my mind? why do i still dream of you even when i'm asleep?

if only i knew the answers to all my questions.

i wonder will our paths cross again in the years to come.

fuck your neh people.

i have something damn HIGH to announce.

it all happened on a wednesday. [:

i felt friggin' excited and happy when i was in class that day. i tried my best to conceal my happiness and tried not to go MUAHAHAHAHAHA in front of the whole class. it was so fucking hard to do so when i am in the same class with AHEM for both modules and today we're in the same team! so excited la can?

i know it's not the first time that i'm in the same class with AHEM but i just cannot help but feel excited la can?

DUH.

i was trying to put up a calm front when i entered class that day because I KNOW WE ARE IN THE SAME TEAM and THE SEAT BESIDE HIM IS EMPTY! AHHHHHH! :D

i don't have a choice anyway since it's the only empty seat. heh heh heh.

we didn't talk much at first but we ended up having lots to say. it all started with his nice greeting of: you never go down to eat ah? (please rephrase this in chinese.) we started talking and crapping a lot luh. we talked about dramas to nipple hairs, from cheats to flings and many many more. in simple, he's a nice guy who is ATTACHED la can?

i know about this since day one actually. hahahaha. i still can't help feeling HIGH over the fact that i am getting to know him though. somehow, i got to know an even shocking news and that is i have actually seen him somewhere before and he turns out to be someone i have mentioned about to my friends actually. hahahahaha. [:

relax people, i don't go for attached guys. i only like admiring handsome human male beings. muahahaha.

more to come. more to come. more to come.

i seriously don't know what i'm doing.

is there a need to belong to someone right now? i really don't see the point of being attached. i seriously don't mind being single. i feel that i can survive without being in a relationship and i am enjoying what i have right now.

i like the way i can gwak at handsome guys and being a hua chi.

i like the feeling that i know i have a chance to meet someone special.

i like the i-am-carefree feeling and i don't wish to have the i-belong-to-someone feeling right now.

i just want to be with someone i really love. i just want to smile from the bottom of the heart when someone i love does something special for me. be it a small action or whatsoever, i just want to have that feeling of happiness. i just want to do something for someone i love and i know deep down that i feel happy doing all this for that special person.

is it that hard to meet that person i love?

i know you are great and you're really nice. i know you treat me really well and i know you are sincere and you do things from the bottom of your heart. i know you really like me and you are willing to tolerate my nonsense. you are willing to give in without complaints and you feel happy doing all this.

the problem is: i don't smile from the bottom of my heart when you do all this little things and i don't have the feeling of doing something special for you at all.

i did try but i still cannot have that kind of feeling that i will have when i like someone. sometimes, i really get irritated when you do all this things for me. your actions are really LOUD and you have done ALOT but ... i don't feel much. the feelings for you is weak. it just comes and goes. it's not enough to be in a relationship.

i think we already know what's coming.

show me the way.



xoxo

it's a sunny tuesday afternoon.

i didn't attend class this morning and i'm not going for orcherstra practice later.

i don't feel well last night and my heart and my whole body felt so heavy. i even had sudden and random thoughts of death and it was kinda freaky. nevertheless, i had a good rest and a long long sleep. i'm still blogging in front of the computer so i guess i should be fine. :/

cynthia just called me 5 mins ago and she seems kinda bored so i asked her to come over to my place. she's coming over already and will reach really soon since rp is so close to my house. lols.

meanwhile, i shall blog about FIONA'S BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION that is held at costa sands pasir ris last saturday! (:

i met up with amanda at around 3 pm in the afternoon cos amanda wanted to shop around at vivo city before heading over to downtown east. she need to get some clothes for her brother's engagement that is held the next day. seriously, it was kinda rush but at least she managed to get something she like at river island. i bought a really nice wallet from river island too. [:



for those losers out there who don't even know what is river island, visit the link below to find out.

http://www.riverisland.com

i used to be a loser like you too. initially, i thought river island sells leather goods and boots cos the name of the shop gives me this kind of feeling. i didn't know that they actually sell stuffs that you can find in topshop, forever 21, mango, pull and bear, esprit and blah blah blah. in simple, it's a FASHION STORE. hahahaha. x:

we had a combo meal at carls junior before heading down to downtown east to meet eileen. then we went to whitesands to buy fiona's birthday cake before going to the chalet. we bought a royal chocolate cake for her! it didn't taste very nice though. BAH.

we ate a little here and there and we talked a lot. we played some games too. i kept acting like a clown and trying to make others laugh luh. it was fun to be clowning around though cos it makes others happy. aha. i kept making fun of this guy called wei lun and i keep scaring him by saying i like him and doing a lot of stupid stuffs to scare him. i kept forcing him to take my number and i told him to sms me cos i said i love shy guys like him. hahahaha. luckily, he's a nice guy and he didn't take it to heart. he knows that i'm trying to break the ice cos many people doesn't know each other in the chalet. see, he knows that i'm a nice person and i have kind intentions. HAHA. :p

i also kept quarreling and bickering with this guy called jun wen there. he's fun to talk to la. it was especially funny when alvin kept forcing him to drink all the wine when he was already drunk. hahaha. the way he reacts to what you say is so funny la. made me laugh like hell. the chalet was FUN FUN FUN. :D













thanks mr. terence for coming down to fetch all of us home. you're effort is appreciated. (:

anyway, i went down to peninsula plaza with cynthia, ken and terence after school yesterday to find some stuffs of hide. i saw his miniature guitar there! i was so high can? i love that yellow guitar that has so many heart shapes <3 on it. it's a sad thing that i don't know how to play the guitar and it cost 800 bucks. ]:





ken told me he saw this girl wearing a shirt with hide's face on it a few days ago and we decided to drop by bugis after that to take a look at it. i saw that shirt and it's nice! i don't really think it will be suitable for me to wear though so i didn't get it. nevertheless, thanks for accompanying me to look at all this stuffs. it was really nice of you all. [:

i got a chance to speak to cynthia's friend and that friend of hers actually knows yoshiki personally and is frequently in contact with him! my gwad. i kept drilling him about hide laaaaa. i even asked him to help me to ask some stuffs about hide from yoshiki but he made a good point, hide's already dead. what's the use of knowing anyway? ]:

i love you, hide. <3

in a blink of an eye, it's may already. look at how fast time flies, it flies so fast that i can't even seem to grab hold of it.

what's happening around me? what's happening to my life? why can't i seem to make better use of my time?

my maths is left untouched since april and i have gradually lost that drive to keep working on my maths. ever since the incident that happened at the camp, i wasn't in the best mood to work on it anymore. i guess ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. it's time to start working on it before history repeats itself. i don't want the same thing to happen to me again.

seriously, i don't know how to juggle between my poly stuffs and maths. i need to submit my professional profiling proposal before the end of may and i still have no clue as to what i should do. although cynthia is able to provide me with the contacts and all, i really have no idea as to how i should approach my work. after the submission, i would need to work on gathering information, interviews, preparing for the presentation and the final submission that is due in november.

so many things to do yet so little time.

i can still waste my time in front of the com everyday and going out for the whole week. can someone tell me what is wrong with me? i know none of you can tell me. only i know what's wrong with myself and i am the only one who can help myself.

I WILL HELP MYSELF.

anyway, i bought a really pretty pretty chomel hairclip last tuesday when i was out for high tea with mummy and jie jie. needless to say, mummy paid for it! thanks mummy. i really like it a lot and i think i'll clip my hair much more often because of the pretty hairclip i have now. (:

high tea at goodwood park hotel was a total blast BUT it's not because of the food there. the food was alright and there was nothing much except for lots of cakes and pastries. surprisingly, the pathetic amount of serving was able to keep me full throughout the day. although the food got quite sickening eventually, i find the food pretty alright.

they even have fondue there! my sister had lots of chocolate coated strawberries that i think is enough to make me puke. even though the chocolate was dark chocolate, i still find it super sweet and i stopped helping myself to it after a few sticks.

what shocked us the most was the little french girl sitted at the next table. she had generous amount of marshmallows and fruits that are coated with lots and lots of chocolates. i think throughout the whole hi tea buffet, the only thing she had was marshmallows and fruits. it was seriously an eye opener at the intake of marshmallows that she had. i think she also realised that she is eating far too much and she keep looking around to see whether is anyone looking at her. hahaha. she seriously didn't waste the money that her parents paid for the buffet.

on the other hand, her brother was seriously one of the few ang mos that i have seen who looked so dashing. he looks better than any of the ang mo stars you have out there. i dare to say ...

HE IS MORE HANDSOME THAN ...

BRAD PITT,

CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY &

DAVID BECKHAM!

and of course the rest la. :D

he had piercing blue eyes and a smile that can make you grin like an idiot. overall, he's super handsome la can? he walked in and i just happened to be returning to my seat and i saw him looking at me straight in the eye. i was like ...

FUCK FUCK FUCK. HANDSOME HANDSOME HANDSOME. :DDD

the most lucky thing was that the waiter assigned his family to be seated next to my table. we exchanged glances throughout the entire buffet and he will just look at me directly whenever he saw me looking at him. he is so POWDER-FUL la! when i came out of the washroom and was leaving the hotel, he turned and looked at me from his seat and he wave goodbye to me with a i-can-make-your-heart-melt smile! :D

SO HIGH LA!

even though i always say i don't really like the idea of dating people from other races, i never say i won't adore and admire them.

HAHAHAHAHA.

i watched spiderman 3 with sean already. some say it's boring but i find it very nice. it's worth the money and you should really catch it. (provided that you can get the seats of course. it's really hard to get tickets for this show.) i even cried during the show! esp the part when harry died! my tears just fell cos it was so touching. harry is so handsome and i hate to see handsome people dying in shows. i hate it! ):

thanks for everything you have done for me but i am not ready to accept anyone into my life right now. i am sorry for always mistreating you and thanks for tolerating my bad temper and my nonsense. thank you so much. (:

anyway,

HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY TO FIONA!

shall meet up all of my dear girls at the bbq later. (:

updates soon.