this are some recollections through the day and i'm penning my thoughts down in the blog like this from now on. i guess it's a nice way to blog like this cos' it's like i'm writing the entries and what i feel at that point in time. it's like a very "on the moment" thing.

anyway, like it or not, you still gotta continue reading my blog cos you actually bothered to read through this whole lot of chunk! you love me!

(but if you really don't like it, you can still always drop a comment in the tag board!)

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nowadays, i'm not in the mood to blog but the reason why i'm here today is because it's exactly two more months to my 19th birthday! i'm not really looking forward to being a 19 year old cos' it only reminds me that i'm growing older and so are the people around me. nevertheless, i'm here to remind all of you to start saving up to get ready for the big day! be it a dinner or a birthday bash, all are welcome! don't forget the presents too. keep them coming!

my mother's cousin just passed away last night. we just got the news about half an hour after her departure. her battle with cancer started less than a year ago and now she's gone. although i'm not very close to her, her departure sets me thinking through the night about life and death. all my fears came kicking in and many random thoughts just flash across my mind. i thought about how unpredictable our lives are, how people come and go in my life, how the people who are around me might be gone one day and how i should cherish the people around me. how would i feel then? how should i face my life?

last friday, mum wanted me to go down to the hospital because she was asking about me and her condition was worsening. luckily, i went down to the hospital because it would be the last time i will ever see her. she was not situated at the main branch of tan tock seng hospital anymore. instead, she was shifted to another building that was within the premises of the hospital. that area was more gloomy and depressing and it seems like that place was telling us that it would be a matter of time before she's gone.

she was thinner than the last time i've seen her and her skin and eyeballs has all turned yellow. she was weak and she had trouble sitting up and she was lying down all the way. for the one hour that i was there, she was lying down with her eyes closed most of the time. she seems to have difficulty to speak too. this sight that greeted me when i entered the room was not pleasant at all. it wasn't.

there was a total of six other beds in the room and the sight of the other patients in the room was seriously depressing. some of them kept staring at the walls and ceilings and it seems like a million thoughts are running through their minds. it seems like they're waiting for something to arrive and to take them away from this world. they groan in pain and when my eyes met theirs, it seems like that have so much to say but yet they can't express themselves.

among all the other patients who are in the room, there was this old lady who looked really fine and energetic. she didn't look weak and it seems like she's already recovering. she was sitting up and was eating well too. her entire family was present too and she was the only one in the room who appeared well. then, i heard from my mum last night that she passed away that very night when we were visiting my aunt. isn't it shocking?

yesterday, my brother, mummy, a few aunts and my grandmother went down to visit her in the afternoon. my grandmother didn't know that she has contracted cancer and that she was very sick. when she came to know about it, she kept crying and crying. it was the last time they've seen her because she passed away last night.

rest in peace.



life and death is just a thin line apart.

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it's a saturday night and i'm stuck at home with nothing much to do. i came home in the morning and my mum and sister is nagging at me for coming home at such a time. i've been coming home early on weekdays so i don't see the reason why can't i stay out late on weekends. sometimes, adults are really a pain the arse. in order to make them happy (and to shut them up, of course), i've decided to stay home on a saturday and to rant all my unhappiness in this space, like a whiny loser.

i skipped school yesterday in the morning and i went back to school in the afternoon for a test. i had to skipped school cos i wasn't in the best mood and i was feeling really lazy. the worst thing of all was that i had a swollen eye that is bugging me for a week already. i don't know what's happening but there's something growing in my eyelid and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. i always wake up in the morning with a swollen right eye and the swell will subside and by the end of the day, there'll be nothing more but a small lump in the eyelid. the most fucked up thing is that i always wake up in the morning, again and again, with that swollen eye. it's like a cycle everyday and i'm seriously getting freaked out.

at first, i thought it might be due to the lack of sleep that i've not been getting recently and resulting in the condition known as "fa re" and that is why i'm having this "bak jiam" or "kuay ji" look alike, growing in my eyelid. now, i'm terribly afraid that i might have stones or lumps growing in my eyelid because of the over wearing of contact lenses. seriously, i wear contact lenses frequently and sometimes i might even wear it for more than twelve hours.

jeffrey have this lump in his eyelid because he wore too much contact lenses and he's unable to wear contact lenses that much anymore because of this condition. i hope i won't be like him. i'm going to the doctor if this doesn't get any better. ]:

anyway, after the test, i went home with cynthia to change and she dressed me up into some kind of cutie pie wannabe. i was clad in a white polo tee with some kind of weird cherry skirt that i found in my wardrobe that was handed down to me by my sister. i have never worn that fugly skirt before and i swear that i'll never wear it when i first set my eyes on it cos it looks so freaking juvenile! but surprisingly, it looks pretty pleasing to the eye after wearing it for some time. haha.

we went down to pasir ris to meet up with weilun (the poor boyfriend is sick! ]:) for dinner after his visit to the doctor. we had dinner at subway and he went home to change while cynthia and i went down to town to meet up with sean first. sean was rushing us like hell and he asked us to get our ass down asap but when we reach, he was nowhere in sight. to top things off, he was late for an hour because of a bus uncle who was spending too much time on his break. even weilun reached much more earlier than him. oh my goodness!

then, we cabbed down to chijmes and we has some drinks at a coscafe who had waitresses dressed as maids. i was hoping that they will call me "mum" or something, but sadly they didn't. i don't think they really acted like maids and the ambiance of the cafe wasn't like what we expected. the drinks wasn't that splendid either but we did had a fun time spotting trannies at work!

the rest of the night was spent with weilun the boyfriend. after sean and cynthia left, we went to catch the movie, license to wed at cineleisure before going home. it's a funny comedy and i had a good laugh throughout the movie. [:

"a special someone a special time...hope tht special time can last a long long time."

you're my shakespeare. ♥

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i just got back home from weilun's house (fyi, he lives in pasir ris and its freaking far from woodlands) and we're supposed to head down to the park for a run around evening cos i'm bent on having a healthy lifestyle from now onwards (i even had subway and mineral water for lunch!). in the end, we ditch the idea and end up slacking at his house until 10.30 pm before heading home. he's currently busy with his assignments and he has to hand them up by 9 am tomorrow morning. i guess i'll leave him alone tonight to finish it up. ]:

i shall post up some random pictures (yes again) to continue from where i left off.

once again, presenting to you the best team for DMA!



the girls of the team.



the "couple" of the team. :D



i'll miss you all when we change classes. ]:



anyway, this is half of kenneth cheong (he's half because you can only see half of his face. ha!). he's my faci for DMA and i had some unhappy experiences with him in a workshop during the last school holidays. ever since that incident, i hated him and find him super irritating to the core. it went to the extent that i find it annoying to just look at his face. nevertheless, when i realized that he was my faci for DMA, i was praying that my days with him will be over and done with asap. surprisingly, after spending some time with him, i came to realized that he wasn't as bad as i thought that he'll actually be. he was kinda nice and good at imparting knowledge. haha. i hate to admit it, but ever since he has been transferred to another class, i kinda miss him. no matter what, he's the person who brought my best team together! (cynthia, treasure him leh. haha.)

okay let's continue with the post.



this was taken at hong kong cafe when i was out with weilun and claire. it's been such a long time since i've last saw her before this meet up. i miss that bitch. haha.

the next day, i spent a long long day with weilun the boyfriend.



we has steamboat for dinner ...



went to kbox for a singing session until the wee hours of the morning ...



and spent the remaining hours together by the singapore river. [:

MORE MORE MORE!

then, i met up with boyfriend again a few days later for dinner and movie at plaza sing.



while waiting for weilun to come back with his indonesian bbq so that i can go off and order my hokkien mee!

US OUTSIDE CATHAY. [:





seriously, i've watched so many movies recently that i can't remember what movies that i've actually watched. i tried to recall for around five minutes and i realized that i really can't recall any of them! too many already!



one of those days when the sky was purple. [:



i spent some quality time with my oh-so-cute-la nephew! but but but ...

IGNORE MY FUGLY FACE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

then, i went off to boyfriend's house in the afternoon with the intention to cycle. somehow, we ended up lazing around the house again and spent the whole day cam whoring. (we're a sweet couple! ha!)





the plans to cycle had to be shifted to a day when i was clad in a nice esprit top (amanda gave that top to me on my last birthday, so of course it's nice. shut up if you don't find it nice at all. thanks.) and a pair of jeans.

THANKS HOR WEILUN THE AH PEK. I SWEAT LIKE FUCK LA CAN? ]:







nevertheless, the day spent with you was still as fun. [:

random picture of me, taken by hidhir, (his name is pronounced as hide, just like my idol!) when i felt really upset and alone.



this was the day when weilun came down to my school just to accompany me for lunch and to chased away all the blues i felt on that sad sad day!



[:

last saturday, i met up with my girls (like finally after so long!) and we had our steamboat dinner at yuki yaki. weilun joined us after that and we head over to party world for a singing session until early morning. it was really nice to be able to see them again and i had so much fun gossiping with them and doing all those random shitty things that i will always do when i'm with them. i wanna meet up with you all again soon! make it very soon! [:



somehow, i love this picture taken with claire. [:

okay it's getting late already and i think i'm heading off to bed. i'll update this space whenever i'm free so remember to come back ah! haha.

lights out!

the paths that we've walked together. ♥

after that episode last night, i wasn't in the best mood for school today. i woke up late and came to school really late. everyone around me greets me with a "wah so early ah?" when they see me on my way to class. that's not a great feeling. it doesn't feel good at all. deep down, i wished they'd just keep their mouth shut. but no matter what, i can't blame them for my miserable day right? it's not their fault and i can only blame myself.

then, i realised that wei how skipped school today and cynthia wasn't around either. to end things off, hui hua and lynnda has all eaten already and it seems like i really need to move around school and eat alone today. it seems like i'm really a loner.

at this point in time when i feel alone, you're actually getting ready to come down all the way from pasir ris just with the sole intention of keeping me company for lunch. you're there throughout the morning to give me comfort and advices. you're there to make me feel better and to let me know that i'm not alone. you're always there to keep me company.

i can't imagine what will happen when you're not around.

thank you, boyfriend. [:

at the bottom of this entry, you will see a weird song title that is playing in my music player when i'm typing this entry. what's that song, you may ask. well, it's some classical musical piece that i have to listen to and to study for my test tomorrow. this is what happens when you're an art student. i don't even get what the singer is ranting about. it's in some kind of weird foreign language. i think it's spanish? or is it french? bah!

sometimes, i really wonder am i really trying my best to improve? i don't seem to be working towards improving myself even though i keep saying i will. i know what's wrong with myself and i do try to improve but i'll still end up giving up halfway. what's really wrong with me, i always wonder. where's the self discipline that i need? where's that motivation in my life? why am i always giving up halfway when i'm starting to make some improvements?

i miss that old yeh ying back in secondary school who's always working towards her dreams and knowing what she wants in her life.

life was so simple then. the thoughts that was always in her mind was that "she will get the grades she wants because she knows she is capable of achieving it." she even enjoys the competition with her peers and the money she gets whenever she gets those wonderful results. it seems like this motivation and self discipline is gone for good. can i ever find it back?

i really hate the person i've turned into. i hate turning to others for comfort and motivation and asking them what is wrong with me, when i clearly know what's wrong. it's all about me and no one can help anymore. they can only give advices and try to give suggestions. there's so many helping hands around me but i just can't seem to reach out to them ... i don't even want to help myself anymore.

those splendid and glorious moments that i once enjoyed has turned into memories of yesterday. i want to bring them back ... but can i?

thanks for always being there to cry and to laugh with me. it's really appreciated deep down in my heart. i know you're not good at expressing yourself and comforting others. i know that you're working on it and i thank you for all this effort. sorry for whatever that happened earlier. you're equally important to me too. ♥



but at this time when you're off to bed, somehow i feel alone once again.

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