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nowadays, i'm not in the mood to blog but the reason why i'm here today is because it's exactly two more months to my 19th birthday! i'm not really looking forward to being a 19 year old cos' it only reminds me that i'm growing older and so are the people around me. nevertheless, i'm here to remind all of you to start saving up to get ready for the big day! be it a dinner or a birthday bash, all are welcome! don't forget the presents too. keep them coming!

my mother's cousin just passed away last night. we just got the news about half an hour after her departure. her battle with cancer started less than a year ago and now she's gone. although i'm not very close to her, her departure sets me thinking through the night about life and death. all my fears came kicking in and many random thoughts just flash across my mind. i thought about how unpredictable our lives are, how people come and go in my life, how the people who are around me might be gone one day and how i should cherish the people around me. how would i feel then? how should i face my life?

last friday, mum wanted me to go down to the hospital because she was asking about me and her condition was worsening. luckily, i went down to the hospital because it would be the last time i will ever see her. she was not situated at the main branch of tan tock seng hospital anymore. instead, she was shifted to another building that was within the premises of the hospital. that area was more gloomy and depressing and it seems like that place was telling us that it would be a matter of time before she's gone.

she was thinner than the last time i've seen her and her skin and eyeballs has all turned yellow. she was weak and she had trouble sitting up and she was lying down all the way. for the one hour that i was there, she was lying down with her eyes closed most of the time. she seems to have difficulty to speak too. this sight that greeted me when i entered the room was not pleasant at all. it wasn't.

there was a total of six other beds in the room and the sight of the other patients in the room was seriously depressing. some of them kept staring at the walls and ceilings and it seems like a million thoughts are running through their minds. it seems like they're waiting for something to arrive and to take them away from this world. they groan in pain and when my eyes met theirs, it seems like that have so much to say but yet they can't express themselves.

among all the other patients who are in the room, there was this old lady who looked really fine and energetic. she didn't look weak and it seems like she's already recovering. she was sitting up and was eating well too. her entire family was present too and she was the only one in the room who appeared well. then, i heard from my mum last night that she passed away that very night when we were visiting my aunt. isn't it shocking?

yesterday, my brother, mummy, a few aunts and my grandmother went down to visit her in the afternoon. my grandmother didn't know that she has contracted cancer and that she was very sick. when she came to know about it, she kept crying and crying. it was the last time they've seen her because she passed away last night.

rest in peace.



life and death is just a thin line apart.