the clock has struck 12 midnight.

happy birthday to you, yeh ying.

you're 19 now. it's the last age that actually begins with a "one". next year, at this same time, your age will be starting with a "two". it really does makes a huge difference, doesn't it?

every year, when the clock strikes 12, i'll stand by the window of my bed room and i'll make birthday wishes for myself. hoping and wishing for the best that could come my way. as each year passed me by, i realized that some of the wishes i've made has never really come true at all.

it was upon reading an email just minutes before my birthday, then did i realized that why aren't my wishes coming true? why aren't my hopes being realized?

looking back at all these years, have i really worked hard and motivated myself for whatever i want and hope for? what have i done to my eighteen years of life? what are really my aims and hopes in life? do i even know what i want?

have i changed for myself, for anything or for anybody? even if i did, what have i really done to make a difference in my life? a difference in any body's life? have i extended all this to the people whom i claimed i love and that i can die for?

NO ...

is the obvious answer.

for the past eighteen years, i'm still that girl with the disgusting character. although time passes and the appearance starts to change, i'm still that same old person. the bad things are still with me all along.

to one of the most important person in my life:

you have been with me all this years, sharing my joy and wiping away my tears. you have gone through ups and downs with me. we have been through the good times and the bad. you have seen me grown and seen me fall and yet at the end of the day, other than my family, you're the only person who can just seem to accept my true self for who i am.

you do encourage me to change for the better and time and time again, even if i can't, you can still accept whatever nonsense that i've given you all these years and to forgive whatever i have done.

i still remember those days when you love to scribble your name on my notes and lecture pads. those days when you'll write down encouraging messages for me to make me motivated and to continue with my studies and my life. those days when we spent hours on the phone, talking about our lives and what do we want in life.

i miss those days as much as you do and i seriously wouldn't mind going back in time, even if that means i have to look ugly, to spend all these quality time together.

but eventually at the end of the day, we move on with our lives and changes starts to happen. we feel insecure about the friendship that we have and the bond that we seems to share seems to be disappearing and forgotten. we seem to be drifting apart and we seem to lose touch with the happenings in each other's life.

but i must let you know that whatever you have said still strikes a chord in my heart. it's not just some words that you've written, it's more than words. you seem to put everything in place and you reassured the fears and uncertainty that i've been going through all this while. you cleared those nasty thoughts, once again.

someone like you, still have and will always have, the amazing ability to connect me so closely and tightly to your heart.

after all you've done, the only thing i could possibly ever do for you is to die for you when you need me to. there will be a day that i start to change for the people around me and do know that you are the driving force that made all these happen.

i hope my words cured whatever misery and sadness that i've bring into your life so far.

i know you hate to hear this but ...

i love you.

and i can't believe that i actually cried on my birthday because of the sadness i feel in my heart.