Amanda's not feeling her best today, or should I say she hasn't been feeling her best in a long time.

I can seriously feel how she feels now and the pain she has been going through all along. Don't ask me why I know how it feels, that's probably because I've gone through such intense pain before. In fact, the wounds are still fresh and although it has pretty much healed already, I can still taste the aftertaste of what it leaves behind.

It's amazing how your feelings take on a rollercoaster ride, from being hopeful to one minute and gradually turning into despair when you realize that the person is no longer coming back after you gave in your all. Then, as you slowly begin to accept reality and you prepare yourself for the worst, the worst scenario is being presented right in front of you - they moved on from you to someone else within such a short timeframe. You know that's coming but you still feel anger and angst within you, but that is the exact driving force that spurs you to move on. Because it made you see for yourself how unworthy this person is and how much they don't deserve your love. Suddenly, you feel that your emotions aren't interlinked with theirs and you are no longer affected by whatever they do anymore. You're not bothered by what's happening in their lives and you think about them lesser everyday until eventually, you can separate your mind from them and from what you are doing. Things can be presented right in front of you but you just can't seem to link your emotions and heart back to them anymore. It's just this sense of calmness and peacefulness that you feel within yourself, you already moved on.

Sometimes, when you're alone you just slip into the past without notice and the memories just keeps pouring back. You start to dwell on how things could possibly be, how it could have been changed and how happy those times were. It's not wrong to slip back into the past and let the memories take over your mind for a while if it helps to ease the emptiness you're feeling, but you should never let it consume you. You need to snap out of it and you shouldn't let it bring you down and affect you any further.

Why should we be here feeling a sense of emptiness when the person you're thinking about is leading a much better life than you right now? Have you ever thought you're not even in his/her thoughts at all and they have already moved on to someone else? If that's the case, then why bother feeling so horrible for one minute of your life when that person is feeling happy at that very moment? When they no longer care, why should we be bothered? If it doesn't change anything when you're feeling so horrible, then why bother?

Sometimes, when we're stuck in the situation, we are unable to see it clearly for ourselves but after moving on and looking at things from another position, we'll come to understand that things do fall into place and you will be able to see the situation in a different perspective and in a new light. That's when you understand that it's not a big deal after all and whatever you're feeling now, isn't as bad as how you think it will be.

Letting go doesn't mean giving up... it means moving on. It is one of the hardest things a person can do. Starting at birth, we grasp on to anything we can get our hands on, and hold on as if we will cease to exist when we let go. We feel that letting go is giving up, quitting, and that as we all know is cowardly. But as we grow older we are forced to change our way of thinking. We are forced to realize that letting go means accepting things that cannot be. It means maturing and moving on, no matter how hard you have to fight yourself to do so.

That's exactly how I am feeling right now and I know you can feel this way too, bestie. We are feeling the same way back then and I want you to feel how I feel right now as well.

It's October 27th and I just turned twenty-one.

I wish this moment can last forever and I can be forever twenty-one but I know it's impossible because time passes and everyone moves forward with time, never backwards.

Therefore, at this point in time, I just want to remember this moment and pen down all my feelings so that in the many years to come, when there's a day I feel lost, troubled and confused, I can smile and reminisce how I felt during this time and remember the promises I made to myself on this day and hopefully, feel good about what I've become.

As I take my first step into adulthood, if there is ever a day I lose myself in the process because of how harsh reality is, I just want this post to remind me of who I really am and what makes up me as a person.

Even though I know I might change during the process, be it my perspectives or my characteristics, I would never want to forget who I am.

Deep down within me, I still see a little girl being touched by the love of Prince Eric and Ariel The Little Mermaid when she read that story for the first time and hoping that a fairy tale like hers would come into her life. I just wish to have that pure love of innocence and simplicity within me even though reality will try to change us into something else. It's that feeling I want to keep for the rest of my life be it through childhood, teenagehood or adulthood. We can face many obstacles along the way and we might want to give up, but times like this just keep us going and reminds us of what we really are and what we are capable of.

Be yourself and love yourself for who you are and if you ever feel like giving up, just remember that what doesn't kills you just makes you stronger. :)

If you're someone whom I've lost contact over the years and you're not here by my side to share this moment with me, I'd like to thank you for being part of my life once. If you're a random stranger who have helped me in anyway, thanks for lending that help when I needed it at that moment. If you're someone whom I detest or you detest me equally, thanks for shaping me to what I've become. If you're someone whom I used to love and you used to love me, thanks for giving me your love faithfully and truthfully at that moment. If you're someone who still loves me in anyway and you're still by my side, then I can tell you I will do my best to make you stay and thank you for loving me for who I am and being with me all this while to share this moment with me.

Hopefully, changes I want to make and the improvements I want out of my life will happen and what I've decided to do from now on will make it happen. May everything fall into place and life after twenty-one as an adult will be a smooth-sailing one with a sense of purpose and direction.

Happy 21st Birthday, Yeh Ying. :)

I know I shouldn't be thinking too much but I still can't help to talk to herhiddenthoughts about you tonight.

I never really blogged much about you, but even though I don't say much, you're the one I love the most among all.