Just had a short conversation with Amanda in MSN earlier on.

γзн γıиg ; ♥ says (5:59 PM):
you know.
γзн γıиg ; ♥ says (5:59 PM):
it's like i brought this upon myself.
γзн γıиg ; ♥ says (5:59 PM):
like within this three years of poly education, i look back at the friends that other have made.
γзн γıиg ; ♥ says (5:59 PM):
plentiful.
γзн γıиg ; ♥ says (6:00 PM):
the knowledge that they have gain are actually quite a lot.
γзн γıиg ; ♥ says (6:00 PM):
and then, i look at myself.
γзн γıиg ; ♥ says (6:00 PM):
i'm like no different from a year one.
γзн γıиg ; ♥ says (6:03 PM):
and the worst thing is, i am not a year one anymore.
γзн γıиg ; ♥ says (6:03 PM):
i am a year three who can never be a year one.
γзн γıиg ; ♥ says (6:03 PM):
lost time, that's what it is.

It's been three years and I am still lost. I still can't find any directions in my life and I don't know what route to take. This feeling sucks and it's horrible. I am nothing but an empty nut shell who comes into this space to rant on and on every day.

It seems like everyone, and I really do mean everyone, have a better life than me in many ways. All I can do is to sit back and admire them, wishing and hoping how I can be like them. Knowing what they want, finding their passion and moving on towards their goals. Making lots of money and enjoying life, having so much love and friends from everyone around them.

That feels like happiness, and I am longing and hoping for that sense of happiness within me too. But all I feel is this sense of longing and admiration and nothing else. Not any sense of happiness within me. Not even a little right now.

I wish there was something I could do to make everything right again. I hope that I can make myself feel better from deep within. Smile and laugh from my heart. If only, I could make up for lost time.

It's like "I wish I haven't done this" and "I should have done this", and all this just keeps going in and out of my mind for this three years. I want to do something and I want to change something but I don't know how to start. Even when I do know how to start, I always can't seem to make it happen and I can't seem to make things right again.

It's not just my studies, it's everything that is in my life right now.

Like how when I heard about someone and someone are getting closer and closer, I feel this sudden bang in me that makes me want to cry. I feel unhappy, jealous and uncomfortable about it. It's like how I use to be number one in someone's life and in the end, I'm not important anymore. I'll think about how "I should have cherish this person" and that "I am losing out on something". It's like we have common friends and I am still going to hear about such things but I don't want to face it and I don't wish to hear it cos' it makes me feel shitty deep down. And the worst thing is, we might even have to hang out together and my friends would expect me to be able to face it with a magnanimous heart and to be a winner and not to act like a loser. When in actual fact, I am a loser who is pretending to be a winner.

It's not that I love that person but it's more like I don't want to admit that I am of no importance anymore. It's like, I want to be number one cos' I love the number one and I know I am number one and I used to be number one in everything in my life.

I want to be number one again but it feels so far away.

Why am I so pathetic now?

Holla people.

Another 1 hour and 15 minutes till the start of my FYP MID-POINT PRESENTATION.

How exciting can that get?

Oh well, good luck for my team later. Continue cheering and rooting for me and I'll come back in here to update about the progress later.

Now, it's time to prepare for the big battle.

I'll need to go and shit first.

Peace.

UPDATE

Hell yeah. Every thing's over.

Well, at least the mid-point presentation is over. Actually, it's really nothing much. Not really scary and all, although my heart kept pumping really fast throughout. (Ashlee can be my witness!) Nevertheless, We did pretty well and I guess the assessors was quite satisfied with what we've presented. I think we're one of the better teams actually. (:

Now, there's more to come after today. Things are really gonna get busy. Whew.

Anyway, Alvin is back from the states last Friday. Shall be meeting up with him at bishan for coffee. I'll be meeting up with him more recently cos' he's only gonna be back for two weeks. ): Then, I'll be meeting up with Amanda and Lynnda at Ang Mo Kio for some cocking session after that. Heh.

Life is finally getting back on track. (:

Something that I'll like to share with y'all.

I came across this note made by my cousin in her face book and I find it rather interesting cos it did manage to strike a cord in my heart.

I always claim that I've grown up through the years but looking back, I think I might have grown up physically but not mentally.

I've wanted to be a teacher strongly when I was younger but thinking back, this isn't really what I want now.

Then, I dream of becoming a singer someday but now I don't think I can be a singer cos' I'm not that good at singing after all. After being in this current course, I realized that there seems to be so much more talented people around.

As for me, I am still lost and confused on where I should go or what I should do after graduation. It seems like everyone has a direction except for me. Sometimes, I don't even understand myself or what I am actually good at or what is my passion in life.

When I'm faced with situations like this, I just wish I'll never grow up and be a child who have dreams and hopes in life.

At least, that seems pretty nice. (:

Now playing: Jason Mraz - Lucky (ft. Colbie Caillat)
via FoxyTunes

Do you hear me
I'm talking to you
Across the water
Across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky
Oh my and baby I'm trying

Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ohhhohhhohhhohhohhohhhohh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I wait for you, I promise you I will

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair

Though the breezes through the trees
Move so pretty, you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning around
You hold me right here right now

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday
Ohhhohhhohhhohhohhohhhohh
Ohhhohhhohhhohhohhohhhohhohhohhohh



i love you so so so so much.

I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.
I got a love, and I know that it's all mine.
Oh.

Do what you want, but you're never gonna break me.
Sticks and stones are never gonna shake me.
No.

Take me away: A secret place.
A sweet escape: Take me away.

Take me away to better days.
Take me away: A hiding place.

I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.
I got a love, and I know that it's all mine.
Oh.

Do what you want, but you're never gonna break me.
Sticks and stones are never gonna shake me.
No.

I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.
I got a love, and I know that it's all mine.
Oh.

Wish that you could, but you ain't gonna own me.
Do anything you can to control me.
Oh, no.

Take me away: A secret place.
A sweet escape: Take me away.

Take me away to better days.
Take me away: A hiding place.


There's a place that I go,
But nobody knows.
Where the rivers flow,
And I call it home.

And there's no more lies.
In the darkness, there's light.
And nobody cries.
There's only butterflies.

Take me away: A secret place.
A sweet escape: Take me away.

Take me away to better days.
Take me away: A hiding place.

Take me away: A secret place.
A sweet escape: Take me away.

Take me away to better days.
Take me away: A hiding place.

Take me away: A secret place.
To better days take me away.

Take me away to better days.
Take me away: A hiding place.

The sun is on my side.
Take me for a ride.
I smile up to the sky.
I know I'll be all right.

The sun is on my side.
Take me for a ride.
I smile up to the sky.
I know I'll be all right.

this is for you, amanda.
cheer up because you've many pocketful of sunshine in your life.
with love. (: