Just had a short conversation with Amanda in MSN earlier on.
γзн γıиg ; ♥ says (5:59 PM):
you know.
γзн γıиg ; ♥ says (5:59 PM):
it's like i brought this upon myself.
γзн γıиg ; ♥ says (5:59 PM):
like within this three years of poly education, i look back at the friends that other have made.
γзн γıиg ; ♥ says (5:59 PM):
plentiful.
γзн γıиg ; ♥ says (6:00 PM):
the knowledge that they have gain are actually quite a lot.
γзн γıиg ; ♥ says (6:00 PM):
and then, i look at myself.
γзн γıиg ; ♥ says (6:00 PM):
i'm like no different from a year one.
γзн γıиg ; ♥ says (6:03 PM):
and the worst thing is, i am not a year one anymore.
γзн γıиg ; ♥ says (6:03 PM):
i am a year three who can never be a year one.
γзн γıиg ; ♥ says (6:03 PM):
lost time, that's what it is.
It's been three years and I am still lost. I still can't find any directions in my life and I don't know what route to take. This feeling sucks and it's horrible. I am nothing but an empty nut shell who comes into this space to rant on and on every day.
It seems like everyone, and I really do mean everyone, have a better life than me in many ways. All I can do is to sit back and admire them, wishing and hoping how I can be like them. Knowing what they want, finding their passion and moving on towards their goals. Making lots of money and enjoying life, having so much love and friends from everyone around them.
That feels like happiness, and I am longing and hoping for that sense of happiness within me too. But all I feel is this sense of longing and admiration and nothing else. Not any sense of happiness within me. Not even a little right now.
I wish there was something I could do to make everything right again. I hope that I can make myself feel better from deep within. Smile and laugh from my heart. If only, I could make up for lost time.
It's like "I wish I haven't done this" and "I should have done this", and all this just keeps going in and out of my mind for this three years. I want to do something and I want to change something but I don't know how to start. Even when I do know how to start, I always can't seem to make it happen and I can't seem to make things right again.
It's not just my studies, it's everything that is in my life right now.
Like how when I heard about
someone and
someone are getting closer and closer, I feel this sudden bang in me that makes me want to cry. I feel unhappy, jealous and uncomfortable about it. It's like how I use to be number one in
someone's life and in the end, I'm not important anymore. I'll think about how "I should have cherish this person" and that "I am losing out on something". It's like we have common friends and I am still going to hear about such things but I don't want to face it and I don't wish to hear it cos' it makes me feel shitty deep down. And the worst thing is, we might even have to hang out together and my friends would expect me to be able to face it with a magnanimous heart and to be a winner and not to act like a loser. When in actual fact, I am a loser who is pretending to be a winner.
It's not that I love that person but it's more like I don't want to admit that I am of no importance anymore. It's like, I want to be number one cos' I love the number one and I know I am number one and I used to be number one in everything in my life.
I want to be number one again but it feels so far away.
Why am I so pathetic now?
