Hello all, here's the first post for July.
Like at 3 am in the morning? Hmm.
Yes, I know. It's supposed to be a very updated blog cos' it used to be updated in the past but now it's like a freaking dead town. Pardon me for not replying the tags. I simply don't feel like replying cos' I seldom update you see. I am freaking ashamed of myself and I don't have the courage to face you all. I think I should just drink dettol to kill myself for my horrible actions. Anyway, just kidding. At least this blog hasn't lost it's sense of humor, I think.
And yes I know, I have been depressed and I have been blogging about many upsetting events and I probably totally have no readers anymore. (I know, I know. Also because I never update lah.) Aiya, but better than closing this site down right? Unless you all want then I got nothing to say lah. But I won't close it down anyway cos' this is MY BLOG. Screw yourself.
On a random note, I just scratch my leg and it's bleeding again. AGAIN. Fuck myself. I'm going to add another additional member to my scarred leg. Argh. And I actually wipe the blood off my saliva with the help of a tissue of course. I know it's super dirty but I cannot find any water in my room and I am too lazy to walk to get water.
Oh wait, I just discovered I have water in my cup. How bimbo.
I should be very upset today and I felt the urge to pen it down on the way home from school (No, I am not going to school still. More about that later.) but I guess I left it dwelling for too long and now it's totally gone. Hence, you are reading all this crap. Don't fret, the intellectual part is coming right up.
So what happens was I went to school for FYP to finish up the report but I totally skipped arts marketing class and instrument design UT. I promised Ronn over the weekends that I will go to school and to make changes happen in my life but eventually, this are all empty promises that I failed to deliver. I always fail to deliver promises when it comes to changes and going to school. It's really hard to keep to them. Sigh.
In case you stupid people don't know who is Ronn, he is my boyfriend and we are together for almost 5 months. Yay!
Courtesy of Albin Chan - My assistant store manager at GAP!
He mms-ed me this hilarious photo of him sleeping during their ktv session and all my colleagues sneakily took photos of his wide opened mouth and stuffed snacks in it. They played so many funny pranks on him and I laughed my ass off when I saw them. I wish I could show you more but I don't think it's very nice to display unsightly photos of my boy.
To save his reputation, I shall show you how handsome he REALLY REALLY looks.
And I added in my photo cos I am afraid you all might forget how I look. See, I am still as hwatttt as ever.
Back to the topic at hand.
So I left the school feeling very depressed after FYP meeting cos' I am still very bothered by the fact that I didn't live up to my promises. I let so many people around me down when I don't attend school. So many people are trying to help and so many encouragements are given and despite knowing what is wrong and on the verge of repeating, I can still lay in bed when the alarm clock rings at 7.30 am every morning till late afternoon. It really is that hard for me to fight the urge to continue sleeping? I know I suck. I shouldn't be like this because others are going through the same phase and hey, they are still waking up for school as usual. They are still moving on as usual with lives and fulfilling their purpose in life. All I do is to dream about fantasy stories and movies in my mind. Those dreams that I can never have - unless I make them happen in reality.
It's like you know what's wrong with yourself, what you should do to save yourself and what will happen if you don't - and yet you don't do anything about it.
I admire those people who are able to go to bed early, to wake up on time and have a fulfilling day before they go to bed. I miss that kinda life. I admire those people who can lead such a normal life on weekdays and yet party hard and enjoy themselves on weekends. I want to be like this too. And yeah, if you have such a life, I do admire you.
But, guess what? I am still blogging at this time of the night due to the fact that I slept too much in the afternoon.
Eventually, on my way home from FYP meeting while listening to my i touch playing countless of songs,
The first bus left.
I sat down at the bus stop.
The second bus came after 15 mins, but it was packed like a sardine can.
Waited for another 10 mins and this thought came to my mind:
Should I leave now or should I stay here to wait for the bus?
Yes, I could choose to leave immediately and take a longer route home but I will have to bear the consequences of missing the bus. Since I've waited for 10 minutes, what's the harm of waiting another 5 minutes? Then, this small voice in me told me to leave. It told me that who knows the bus will come in 5 minutes? And even if it did, it might be packed with people again. And I might have to still walk home. Why not just leave and walk home now? It might be a longer route and there might be dangers along the way, such as having stalkers following me since night was near, but does staying at the bus stop change anything?
I had to make a decision and I left.
I told myself not to look back cos' if the bus really did come and if it wasn't packed, I would have regretted not waiting. But, I had to look back and I can't fight the temptation. True enough, it came but it was packed. I was so happy that I choose to walk home myself and yeah, I reached home safely.
Applying this to the dilemma that I am facing in my life right now, I can walk away from the bus stop and choose to walk home. I can quit school and join another institution. It might take more time and I might not know the dangers along the way but at least, I know it can get me to my destination. Or, I can choose to wait for the bus, just like how I can choose to continue studying in RP. True enough, the route will be faster and I wouldn't waste my time when compared to taking the longer route. But, I might have to squeeze with others along the bus and I hate that. I might have to face people I dislike in school and the perspectives that they have about me. Like about me being late and not coming to school often. But, this is the faster route. Worst of all, I can just choose to stay stagnant at the spot like right now. Wait at the bus stop and not doing anything at all, but it doesn't do me any good.
So weighing all this theory that I got from my small encounter, I choose to wait for the bus.
I called Ronn when I just left the school but he didn't answered my call and he called me immediately when I just happened to reach home. What a coincidence, ain't it? I guess God wanted me to experience this for my own and to make my own decision right now, without anyone's help. Thank God.
And Ronn, no matter what, I know you will be waiting for me at my destination and help me along the way and support whatever decisions I've made. It's good to have you. I love you. :)
Anyway, the point of this entry was totally pointless at first cos' I am just blogging whatever that comes into my mind. My original intention was to tell you that I am still alive and that I hope you are still reading. But then, it somehow became an intellectual entry at the end. Haha! Anyway, thanks for reading and for still being here. If you are not reading, fuck yourself okay then come back and wait for my updates.
If I succeed in making things happen, such as waking on time for school tomorrow, I will be back to blog before you know it. :)
Note to self: Before you go to bed - you are not the same person in the morning.
Good night.
