Happy 21st Birthday, Miss Aw. :)

Fourth day in a row - I miss you and wish you're here.

Pussycat Dolls - I Hate This Part
Uploaded by The-Pussycat-Dolls

Good morning.

I'm here not because I just woke up but it's because I haven't turn in yet.

I spent the whole night (including the day as well) sourcing for the right blog skin and after looking through more than a hundred, I finally settled down with this. I know it's a simple skin but it's just what I'm looking for. I love the fonts and I realise I weigh the fonts more than the design itself these days. There's a lot more pretty ones but they're all in the queue now for the next change.

I still remember the term that Ronn told me - Simplicity is deep.

I had to spend hours on end deciding which skin is the one that I really want. Which one is the one that I'm looking for. I thought that simple designs should be easy when it comes to decision making, but I was wrong. The more simple the design, the harder it is to see the difference and the beauty of each. This makes it harder for me to select the skins that really describes this blog right now.

My life is complicated enough, I just want to find back the simplicity in life for now.

How I wish I was a blank piece of paper, with no marks or scrawls. Just a plain white piece of paper. But I guess, there's too much marks and scrawls this time and it can't be erased anymore. It's too much sight for anyone to take.

You should just rip this paper apart.

This is more than infuriating.

After I read the entry that she wrote on her blog, I just don't see why I have to shut up when it's not even my fault.

Thanks to the in-depth description that she made, I guess I don't have to explain the situation to all of you. The only thing that she's able to do as usual, is to make her seem like she's right and that I'm the one at fault again. Let me see, how would I call that?

Oh, word play!

(I'd have to commend you on this, you're good at this every time.)

And here are a few points I'd like to clarify. You said this over at your blog:

You should probably re-read the entire conversation before assuming that I said that.

I don't watch High School Musical at all. So don't make it like I do and use it against me. Thanks.

One more point to add:

If you did read through the conversation, I did not ask for your comments at all and all I did was to tell you that I enjoyed the book and I like the writing style and yes, I still do. I clarified whether were you the one who told me that it wasn't a good book cos I wasn't sure.

I seriously wished you were trying to save the friendship but sadly, it seems like you weren't trying to.

Because you added something behind just to prove my point:

(#)☜☠☞ ❤CYN✺ I LOVE CINDY LIM COS SHE BOUGHT MANY MANY EDAMAMES FOR MEEEEEE~ says: (11:58:26 PM)

ok end of topic..no point telling u

Twilight and a cuppa coffee ; says: (11:59:39 PM)

i get what you mean.

Twilight and a cuppa coffee ; says: (12:00:16 AM)

you don't have to add that "no point telling u" behind it cos seriously i'm quite sick of the way you always treat me.

(#)☜☠☞ ❤CYN✺ I LOVE CINDY LIM COS SHE BOUGHT MANY MANY EDAMAMES FOR MEEEEEE~ says: (12:01:02 AM)

It's because you ASSUMED I didn't get what you're trying to say as usual. Because you weren't bothered to really read what I typed and you just love to flood others with your own personal views that you feel strongly about.

You always think you're right. (I'm not the only one who said that.)

I wasn't trying to convince you at all. I know you too well and I know how stubborn you are when it comes to such stuffs. You think I'd even try? It seems like you were trying to convince me more since you're the one who's always doing the typing! Ha!

Seriously, this is not the first time you're bitching about me on your public blog and it's obvious that you've always loved to wash your dirty linen in public. Not that I mind at all when you did it in the past cos' when it's my fault, I seriously didn't mind when you lash at me on your public blog. I'm willing to admit my mistake and apologise to you if I know I'm in the wrong, but this time it's not even my fault.

I don't see it as your fault either, I just think it's a very subjective view that everyone has towards reading. It's personal preference and it's that simple. You just misunderstood what I was saying half the time because you are just too strong on your own views to even listen.

Ronn told me all about the conversation that the both of you had a few nights ago on MSN and it turned out just like how I've predicted.

All you did was to type out a chunk of words as usual and expect people to understand it as usual.

If you're wondering why he came and talk to you, I have seriously no idea. I sure did complain about it but I did not ask him to explain to you or anything.

And after many times, I've learnt to never joke with you on any level anymore. Not because you can't take jokes but you misunderstand my point and see it as something I'm using against you. Most of the time, I just do it as a joke but you don't see it as one.

Amanda has a reason why she's my best friend and she still is. Don't always tell me that I'm just doing what Amanda does to you cos she doesn't in anyway ( I REPEAT, SHE DOESN'T) treat me like how you treat me. Especially when it comes to tounge lashings and wake up calls. She lashes and she scolds me as well but never did she once hurt me with the words she uses. The reason why I cry when you scold me and when she does it, is totally different. Now I finally understood why Ronn says Amanda is truly my best friend among all.

Probably half of how others think about me in my life time, is all thanks to your blog entries.

The reason I block you is because I don't see why I have to swallow all this when it's not even my fault. I don't see why I have to be scolded and to be abused verbally, over and over again.

Not that I'm a sucker, but sometimes I don't understand how best friends can treat each other in ways like this. You always think that you have many lessons to give me but you're just too full of yourself to truly learn the lessons you need from others.

So much for "poly best friends", huh?

Ｅ：只剩下鋼琴陪我站在這裡
　　夢想中　屬於我們的婚禮
　　卻成了　單人結婚進行曲

Ｅ：在這場愛情角力的拔河裡
　　愛我還是愛你　你選擇了自己

Ｈ：撒嬌的　可愛的　黏人的　愛哭的
　　照片裡　曾經的都是你喜歡的
　　如今我還在原地 你卻走回你的記憶

Ｓ：你說我愛你太多　就快要把你淹沒
　　你害怕幸福　短暫一秒就崩落
　　分開是一種解脫　讓你好好的想過
　　我想要的　那片天空　你是不是能夠給我

Ｈ：你說我給你太多　卻不能給我甚麼
　　分不清激情　承諾永恆或迷惑
　　愛情是一道傷口　我們各自苦痛
　　沉默是我最後溫柔　是因爲我太愛你

Ｓ：只剩下鋼琴陪我站在這裡
　　夢想中　屬於我們的婚禮
　　安靜了　在我枕邊的夢裡

Ｅ：我知道相愛原本就不容易
　　愛不是一加一　努力就有結局

Ｓ：撒嬌的　Ｅ：可愛的
Ｓ：黏人的　Ｈ：愛哭的
Ｓ：照片裡　合：曾經的都是愛著你的
Ｓ：臉頰的淚還溫熱　卻沒有人握我的手

Ｈ：你說我愛你太多　就快要把你淹沒
　　你害怕幸福　短暫一秒就崩落
Ｅ：分開是一種解脫　讓你好好的想過
　　我想要的　那片天空　你是不是能夠給我

合：你說我給你太多　卻不能給我甚麼
　　分不清激情　承諾永恆或迷惑
Ｓ：愛情是一道傷口　我們各自苦痛
Ｅ：沉默是我最後溫柔　是因爲我太愛你

Sometimes, I wish you would pay more attention to my favourite songs because the lyrics they sing are the words I am too scared to say.

Like I've said, I've been staying indoors pretty much and I'm kinda cut off from the outside world recently. Today, Cynthia and Nicole came over to my place and we did some work on our FYP. Things are getting a little hectic and complicated, but it's still fine. I know we'll pull it through eventually but it's always the process that sucks big time. Though you learn a lot, but you'll have to go through a lot to gain all those experience as well.

I still have some minutes and an event proposal to complete and to be frank, I don't feel good at all now. My flu is killing me and all this negative thoughts is weighing me down. I'm seriously not in the mood for anything today.

Lonely, isolated, sickly, pessimistic, demoralized, disappointed, upset.

Probably sums me up as a person for today.

I'm going over to my private world.



----------------
Now playing: Arashi - One Love
via FoxyTunes

This week hasn't been going on so well. I have so many personal things to say but yet I can't seem to blog it down in here.

There are many eyes preying on this personal space of mine, I don't know who they are. But I do know they're just waiting for the right time to strike, so that they can feel the glee when I'm in misery.

It's like you have so many things to say yet you can't express it freely in here even though it's your own personal site. I know I can choose to pen it down openly but you know how nosy parkers can get. They'll share juicy gossips and tell tales to others when they see and hear something about you. I'll have to play safe I guess cos' I still do care about how others might think about me. Things that I say and things that I do will affect others and how they feel towards me so it's not like I can write it down openly.

I'm going to set up a personal site for myself and I'm gonna lock it all away, along with my wildest thoughts and my most personal emotions. It's going to be for my own viewing pleasure and I will give out the URL to my closer friends, but I might still lock up some of the entries. Probably when I'm in a good mood and if I feel like sharing, I'll let my closer friends have some access to the entries.

If you don't manage to have any access to my personal journal at all (not even the URL) then maybe you should know that we're not really close emotionally and I'll have to say sorry.

This is a very random update with lots of random nonsense.

I am going to start this random update with a random piece of news that I recall randomly. I saw JJ Lin Jun Jie at Zouk and Jam Hsiao Jing Teng at Suntec City last week. I just saw them right in front of me and looked at them straight in the eye! I think I've bumped into quite a few renowned artist so far in my 20 years of life. Be jealous people.

Boyfriend is away for 3 days 2 nights for a school camp and you all know I am going to miss him so. It's so weird not having him around because I'm so use to talking and sms-ing him whenever, wherever on my cell. He's pretty much hanging around me like always and sending me home and all.

I planned to work afternoon earlier on because I can't stand doing nothing at home without him being around. Luckily, he did sms and gave me a long distance call from our neighboring country. It just doesn't feel right when he's not around.

Before boyfriend left for his camp trip, he helped me to select a blog skin and the both of us chose this. It's nice, isn't it? I'm opting for something simple nowadays and this skin is just full of simplicity. I like that. (:

For the song, it's One Step At A Time by Jordin Sparks. Claire introduced this song to me a few days ago and I fell in love with it upon hearing it. Especially love the beat at the start! Just can't stop humming to the tune.

Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face and the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face and the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
When you need to find the strength
It's the faith that makes you stronger
The only way we get there
Is one step at a time

Take one step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

It totally collides with what I need to do now. Taking one step at a time and try not to rush into things in my life. I can't excel and prove to them what I'm really worth if I'm always rushing into things. Some might think that I cannot do it, but I will prove to them that I can do it and I am the one who is worthy to be staying. There are so many others who aren't worthy to be there and I am so much better than them. All they are waiting for is that change in me, that improvement that I know I can make. I shouldn't be admitting defeat cos' I am not a person who will. I won't concede defeat and let people label me forever as someone I am not. I know there's a fighting spirit in me, like always. Even if things turns out the same, then so what? At least, I did improve and I did try. One step at a time - That's all it takes.

Today, I realised that many faces of the human race actually exists and you can't always trust anyone who just happens to strike a chord with you. Sometimes, even the people whom you think are nice or close to you, might turn into someone you cannot even imagine.

Anyway, something for you all to be jealous of before I end this entry.





Come back soon baby! Miss you! <3

Apparently, this is the final straw.

This has gone way too much. Way too much for me to bottle this up any longer and I am going to blog about all this right now.

Remember how I used to be talking about this guy called John and how much I used to love him and all? How much I have done for him and how much heartaches and tears he has given me in return for all I've done for the past three years?



Yeah, apparently this asshole is ATTACHED with this girl called Huiqi (She has the same name as my primary school best friend, how disgusting.) and she has a really big nose. I think she might be Jackie Chan's daughter who's being abandoned since young on the streets.



See, mother fucking big right?

But anyway, he tried to explain to me and to clear things up again by telling me that he has his reasons for doing so and actually he doesn't want this thing to be happening. He even go to the extent to tell me that he is not lying when he told me all those sad stories about himself, his dramatic family life and how he felt towards me. Like I am his first love that he loved so much and that he cannot let go and he actually still has some feelings for.

Wow! So you want me to believe that she threatens to kill you with a pistol and that's why you are being forced into this? C'mon, you had a choice to accept or to reject. Even if you are being forced into this and even if you have any crap ass reasons in your life, this is not totally her fault. It takes two hands to clap. If you didn't agree to it, this wouldn't be happening. All those photos, comments and messages that you have in your friendster are all her doing? Are you trying to tell me that you are being forced into this again? Like probably she hacked into your account and got hold of your password and hence, posted all those disgusting photos?

Can we wake up to reality here and not continue the acting please? Stop imagining that your life is a drama/movie and that you are those hong kong hooligans who have a tragic love life. Stop the crap about that "人在江糊, 生不由己" theory that you always have. Stop making it seem as if you have gone through a lot and you are damn bloody mature. Stop trying to tell me to change when you're an asshole yourself. Most importantly, stop making it seem as if you have gave in a lot for others by not being in a relationship with them and that you are probably helping them when you're single.

Yeah, probably you ARE helping them cos' all my friends think you are fucking uncle-ish looking now and with that fucking beer belly of yours. Looking back, I don't even know what I saw in you. Oh and remember, next time don't stay under other people's block and wail to them about your tragic life when what you say is probably all rubbish.

And if you are doing all this to make me loathe you, guess what?

You just succeeded and no worries, I'll never look back again. :)

SCREW YOU!

Ahhhh, I feel good blogging all this out. Like fucking good now. Anyway, I seriously wonder why are liars and hypocrites all around. They seem to be all around me in my life, be it in school or in my personal life. Cannot stand them you know! But anyway, everything will soon be over.

And don't ever step on my tail cos' even if I love you like hell, I can totally hate you to the core too man.

And yeah, I didn't go to school today again. Whatever.

Leave that for another time!

Hello all, here's the first post for July.

Like at 3 am in the morning? Hmm.

Yes, I know. It's supposed to be a very updated blog cos' it used to be updated in the past but now it's like a freaking dead town. Pardon me for not replying the tags. I simply don't feel like replying cos' I seldom update you see. I am freaking ashamed of myself and I don't have the courage to face you all. I think I should just drink dettol to kill myself for my horrible actions. Anyway, just kidding. At least this blog hasn't lost it's sense of humor, I think.

And yes I know, I have been depressed and I have been blogging about many upsetting events and I probably totally have no readers anymore. (I know, I know. Also because I never update lah.) Aiya, but better than closing this site down right? Unless you all want then I got nothing to say lah. But I won't close it down anyway cos' this is MY BLOG. Screw yourself.

On a random note, I just scratch my leg and it's bleeding again. AGAIN. Fuck myself. I'm going to add another additional member to my scarred leg. Argh. And I actually wipe the blood off my saliva with the help of a tissue of course. I know it's super dirty but I cannot find any water in my room and I am too lazy to walk to get water.

Oh wait, I just discovered I have water in my cup. How bimbo.

I should be very upset today and I felt the urge to pen it down on the way home from school (No, I am not going to school still. More about that later.) but I guess I left it dwelling for too long and now it's totally gone. Hence, you are reading all this crap. Don't fret, the intellectual part is coming right up.

So what happens was I went to school for FYP to finish up the report but I totally skipped arts marketing class and instrument design UT. I promised Ronn over the weekends that I will go to school and to make changes happen in my life but eventually, this are all empty promises that I failed to deliver. I always fail to deliver promises when it comes to changes and going to school. It's really hard to keep to them. Sigh.

In case you stupid people don't know who is Ronn, he is my boyfriend and we are together for almost 5 months. Yay!



Courtesy of Albin Chan - My assistant store manager at GAP!

He mms-ed me this hilarious photo of him sleeping during their ktv session and all my colleagues sneakily took photos of his wide opened mouth and stuffed snacks in it. They played so many funny pranks on him and I laughed my ass off when I saw them. I wish I could show you more but I don't think it's very nice to display unsightly photos of my boy.

To save his reputation, I shall show you how handsome he REALLY REALLY looks.



And I added in my photo cos I am afraid you all might forget how I look. See, I am still as hwatttt as ever.

Back to the topic at hand.

So I left the school feeling very depressed after FYP meeting cos' I am still very bothered by the fact that I didn't live up to my promises. I let so many people around me down when I don't attend school. So many people are trying to help and so many encouragements are given and despite knowing what is wrong and on the verge of repeating, I can still lay in bed when the alarm clock rings at 7.30 am every morning till late afternoon. It really is that hard for me to fight the urge to continue sleeping? I know I suck. I shouldn't be like this because others are going through the same phase and hey, they are still waking up for school as usual. They are still moving on as usual with lives and fulfilling their purpose in life. All I do is to dream about fantasy stories and movies in my mind. Those dreams that I can never have - unless I make them happen in reality.

It's like you know what's wrong with yourself, what you should do to save yourself and what will happen if you don't - and yet you don't do anything about it.

I admire those people who are able to go to bed early, to wake up on time and have a fulfilling day before they go to bed. I miss that kinda life. I admire those people who can lead such a normal life on weekdays and yet party hard and enjoy themselves on weekends. I want to be like this too. And yeah, if you have such a life, I do admire you.

But, guess what? I am still blogging at this time of the night due to the fact that I slept too much in the afternoon.

Eventually, on my way home from FYP meeting while listening to my i touch playing countless of songs,

The first bus left.

I sat down at the bus stop.

The second bus came after 15 mins, but it was packed like a sardine can.

Waited for another 10 mins and this thought came to my mind:

Should I leave now or should I stay here to wait for the bus?

Yes, I could choose to leave immediately and take a longer route home but I will have to bear the consequences of missing the bus. Since I've waited for 10 minutes, what's the harm of waiting another 5 minutes? Then, this small voice in me told me to leave. It told me that who knows the bus will come in 5 minutes? And even if it did, it might be packed with people again. And I might have to still walk home. Why not just leave and walk home now? It might be a longer route and there might be dangers along the way, such as having stalkers following me since night was near, but does staying at the bus stop change anything?

I had to make a decision and I left.

I told myself not to look back cos' if the bus really did come and if it wasn't packed, I would have regretted not waiting. But, I had to look back and I can't fight the temptation. True enough, it came but it was packed. I was so happy that I choose to walk home myself and yeah, I reached home safely.

Applying this to the dilemma that I am facing in my life right now, I can walk away from the bus stop and choose to walk home. I can quit school and join another institution. It might take more time and I might not know the dangers along the way but at least, I know it can get me to my destination. Or, I can choose to wait for the bus, just like how I can choose to continue studying in RP. True enough, the route will be faster and I wouldn't waste my time when compared to taking the longer route. But, I might have to squeeze with others along the bus and I hate that. I might have to face people I dislike in school and the perspectives that they have about me. Like about me being late and not coming to school often. But, this is the faster route. Worst of all, I can just choose to stay stagnant at the spot like right now. Wait at the bus stop and not doing anything at all, but it doesn't do me any good.

So weighing all this theory that I got from my small encounter, I choose to wait for the bus.

I called Ronn when I just left the school but he didn't answered my call and he called me immediately when I just happened to reach home. What a coincidence, ain't it? I guess God wanted me to experience this for my own and to make my own decision right now, without anyone's help. Thank God.

And Ronn, no matter what, I know you will be waiting for me at my destination and help me along the way and support whatever decisions I've made. It's good to have you. I love you. :)




Anyway, the point of this entry was totally pointless at first cos' I am just blogging whatever that comes into my mind. My original intention was to tell you that I am still alive and that I hope you are still reading. But then, it somehow became an intellectual entry at the end. Haha! Anyway, thanks for reading and for still being here. If you are not reading, fuck yourself okay then come back and wait for my updates.

If I succeed in making things happen, such as waking on time for school tomorrow, I will be back to blog before you know it. :)

Note to self: Before you go to bed - you are not the same person in the morning.

Good night.

This is for my peoples

Who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby
Your man or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye
No, no, no

Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers
Friends and cousins
This is for my peoples
Who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky
Cause we will never say bye

As a child there were them times
I didn't get it
But you kept me in line
I didn't know why
You didn't show up sometimes
On Sunday mornings and I missed you
But I'm glad we talked through

All them grown folk things
Separation brings
You never let me know it
You never let it show
Because you loved me and obviously
There's so much more left to say
If you were with me today
Face to face

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on I wish
I could talk to you for a while
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by

And it's true that you've
Reached a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And be right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say

Bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye

You never got a chance to see
How good I've done
And you never got to
See me back at number one
I wish that you were here
To celebrate together
I wish that we could
Spend the holidays together

I remember when you used to
Tuck me in at night
With the teddy bear you gave me
That I held so tight
I thought you were so strong
You'd make it through whatever
It's so hard to accept the fact
You're gone forever

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on I wish
I could talk to you for a while
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by

And it's true that you've
Reached a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And be right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say

Bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye

This is for my peoples
Who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby
Your man or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye

Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers
Friends and cousins
This is for my peoples
Who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky
Cause we will never say bye, bye.

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on I wish
I could talk to you for a while
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by

And it's true that you've
Reached a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And be right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say

Bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye



For you and for my lost grandmother.
Because, I don't wish to lose you like how I lost her.
Because I still cherish and I want to hold it close when you're here.
Cos' I know I will live to regret if I ever let anyone close go.
And I know if I ever have to let anyone go, you'll not be the one.

How bout a round of applause?
Standin ovation...
Ooooh
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

You look so dumb right now
Standin' outside my house
Tryin' to apologize
You're so ugly when you cry
(Please)
Just cut it out

Don't tell me you're sorry cuz you're not
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught

But you put on quite a show
You really had me goin'
But now it's time to go
Curtains finally closin'
That was quite a show
Very entertainin'
But it's over now
Go on and take a bow

Grab your clothes and get gone
(You better hurry up)
Before the sprinklers come on
Talkin' bout "Girl, I love you you're the one..."
This just looks like a re-run
(Please)
What else is on?

And don't tell me you're sorry cuz you're not
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught

But you put on quite a show
You really had me goin'
But now it's time to go
Curtains finally closin'
That was quite a show
Very entertainin'
But it's over now
Go on and take a bow

And the award for the best liar goes to you
For makin' me believe
That you could be
Faithful to me
Let's hear your speech
oh...

How bout a round of applause?
Standin' ovation...

But you put on quite a show
You really had me goin'
But now it's time to go
Curtains finally closin'
That was quite a show
Very entertainin'
But it's over now
Go on and take a bow

But it's over now...