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herhiddenthoughts
Mood: Excited. Quotes: “Like a rainbow fading in the twinkling of an eye, gone too soon.”
revenge is sweet.
Tuesday, July 07, 2009, 12:48 AM
Flooding my emotions onto you was just a way of expression but since you choose to not acknowledge how I feel, sometimes I have to resort to other means to get your attention. In turn, you use painful words to hurt me and make my tears fall. The more you do it, the more I wanna inflict pain on you to let you have a taste of what I go through.

I know this might sound mean but sometimes seeing how you squirm like a pathetic worm, makes me feel happy from inside out. Hearing how desperate you sound leaves a tiny part of me wanting for more. At least it makes me feel better.

Getting back at you might be deemed as a selfish act, but haven't you been doing the same all this while?

You're selfish as ever, just like me. We just love ourselves too much that's why we always wants things to be done our way and that's why we always fail to love others. 

You're in no way better than me 'cos you care about yourself more than me and until I see a change, I don't understand why I have to place you as a priority in my life anymore.

I'm sorry, but revenge is sweet.

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It's raining broken hearts tonight.
Monday, July 06, 2009, 4:49 PM
First and foremost, happy birthday Brenda darling. :)

Today was supposed to be a really busy day for me.

I'm supposed to wake up at 7 am for an interview for Cotton On at Toa Payoh's Library before heading back to school for lessons. After that, I'm supposed to meet up with the girls for some shopping but nothing pull through.

I'm down with a cold and a cough. Not a very positive thing when there's H1N1 lurking around the school nowadays. If it worsens, I'll have to see the doctor tomorrow, get a MC and apply for Leave of Absence from the school as soon as possible. I'm trying my best not to skip anymore classes so I'm not really keen in getting LOA from the school. Furthermore, I just wanna get this over and done with as soon as possible. But because of this damn cough and flu, I stayed awake throughout the night and only manage to sleep at 7 am in the morning. Thus, I had to skip the interview, school and even the meet up with the girls later. :(

I really hope I'll feel better and I can get back to classes tomorrow.

Nowadays, I've been feeling very much alone. Dealing with my emotions by myself even though I have someone by my side. Insecurities, disappointments and fears - they all happen because I love someone. I don't have much control over my emotions, I know that. Sometimes, for fear that I might flood someone because I love that person too much, I just want to shut my emotions and the love I feel to myself. Yet, even when I do voice out the issues, they never seem to be addressed. I thought they should be addressed because isn't it a package that comes together with love? And together with that, it comes with care and concern? Doesn't love make you miss someone and you'll feel like seeing that person everyday and you'll just want to be by their side? How come I don't feel that coming anymore?

Now that I'm sick, I don't see much concern coming anymore. I only see and hear words but never actions that are taken. It hurt so much last night that I just wanna cut off all ties and stop whatever that is happening right now.

I just want to be free from all this heart wrenching emotions and from you, 'cos you're the cause of it. 


It's raining broken hearts tonight.

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Moments when thank you are never enough.
Thursday, July 02, 2009, 12:29 AM
I know I've been away for months and have taken a really long hiatus, but I really feel the need to speak to someone now.

So just let me speak to you, you know how you always make me feel better.

Have you ever loved someone so much that you think it's going to kill you? So much that you think the pain is insane 'cos it hurts so much and you think you can't breathe? You cried so much that it makes you feel like your head is going to explode any minute. That your heart is feeling sour and it's being weighed down by gravity and you cannot even do anything at that moment.

I do.

As much as it hurts, take a deep breath and let it all out. Be it the tears in your eyes, the throbbing pain in your heart or the sighs that you exhale whenever your heart feel heavy, just let it all out. You'll feel better. You'll still see the light at the end of the tunnel. Eventually, you will still move on with or without that person. Life always moves on and so must you. Don't stop here.

I'm sorry for coming to you at times like this. For now I know, you will always be here for me. And I know how you always make me feel better after talking to you.

It's really sad when I have to type all this in here to remind me on what I should do to divert all the pain, sadness and unhappiness that I am feeling tonight. But at the very least, it guides me onto the right track and it stops the falling tears and the pain that I feel at the end of the entry.

Thank you, herhiddenthoughts.

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每次我總一個人走, 交叉路口自己生活.
Saturday, January 24, 2009, 5:09 PM


每次我總 一個人走
交叉路口 自己生活
這次你卻說帶我走 某個角落 就你和我

像土壤抓緊花的迷惑 像天空纏綿雨的洶湧
在你的身後 謹慎的步伐每個背影每個場景
都有發過的夢

帶我走 到遙遠的以後
帶走我 一個人自轉的寂寞
帶我走 就算我的愛 你的自由 都將成為泡沫
我不怕 帶我走

每次我總獨自遠走
保持沉默 不皺眉頭
這次你卻說一起走
如此溫柔 從此以後
像土壤抓緊花的迷惑
像天空纏綿雨的洶湧
在你的身後 謹慎的步伐每個背影
每個場景 都有發過的夢

帶我走 到遙遠的以後
帶走我 一個人自轉的寂寞
帶我走 就算我的愛 你的自由 都將成為泡沫
我不怕 帶我走

白忙流過漆黑盡頭 潮汐襲來浪花轉動
雲在海岸結成了膜
成為草香草原其中 又在傳來一滴彩虹
可在心中還帶著脈搏

帶我走 到遙遠的以後
帶走我 一個人自轉的寂寞
帶我走 就算我的愛 你的自由 都將成為泡沫
我不怕 帶我走
帶我走 就算我的愛 你的自由 都將成為泡沫
帶我走

I know I'm not alone this time and I have friends who're going through the same thing with me right now and I've had friends who have gone through this before too, but it just gets really heart-wrenching when you're experiencing it yourself.

When you turn and look everywhere, everyone is talking about the same topic. Everyone is asking you the same questions. Everyone is saying the same thing.

But sadly, I can't voice it out and give an honest answer. Cos' I feel too ashamed, knowing that I could have done it and yet I didn't. I choose not to back then.

Everyone puts on a happy smile and I am smiling back at them, but deep down I feel so alone.

It really sucks to be stuck in the same spot when everyone is moving on.

It sucks even more to know what's in store for me in 2009 and yet I know I'm facing it alone.

每次我總一個人走, 交叉路口自己生活.

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Bang!
Thursday, December 18, 2008, 11:25 PM
For the first time in my life, I actually cried to a hip-hop song. Don't ask me why.

Only you'll know.



Now, please shoot me dead.

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Lonely, lonely christmas.
, 7:40 PM
I'm having hunger pangs from time to time and it's evolving into gastric right now but I don't have any appetite at all even though I know there's food on the table.

2008 is coming to an end soon but why is my life crashing on me now? Can I still hope for a better 2009?

X'mas is around the corner and it's the season of giving. People are all feeling jolly and merry and they're basking in this joyous mood. Doing their x'mas shopping and preparing for this upcoming x'mas for a joyous celebration.

But I feel the exact opposite.

The world is revolving and everyone's moving on. I have difficulties catching up and I'm staying stagnant at the same spot.

What should be my next step?

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How many heartstrings must you sever?
Wednesday, December 17, 2008, 4:51 AM
Good morning.

I'm here not because I just woke up but it's because I haven't turn in yet.

I spent the whole night (including the day as well) sourcing for the right blog skin and after looking through more than a hundred, I finally settled down with this. I know it's a simple skin but it's just what I'm looking for. I love the fonts and I realise I weigh the fonts more than the design itself these days. There's a lot more pretty ones but they're all in the queue now for the next change.

I still remember the term that Ronn told me - Simplicity is deep.

I had to spend hours on end deciding which skin is the one that I really want. Which one is the one that I'm looking for. I thought that simple designs should be easy when it comes to decision making, but I was wrong. The more simple the design, the harder it is to see the difference and the beauty of each. This makes it harder for me to select the skins that really describes this blog right now.

My life is complicated enough, I just want to find back the simplicity in life for now.

How I wish I was a blank piece of paper, with no marks or scrawls. Just a plain white piece of paper. But I guess, there's too much marks and scrawls this time and it can't be erased anymore. It's too much sight for anyone to take.

You should just rip this paper apart.



Endless rain, fall on my heart, in this wounded soul.
Let me forget, all of the hate, all of the sadness.

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So much for "poly best friends"?
Friday, November 21, 2008, 5:57 PM
This is more than infuriating.

After I read the entry that she wrote on her blog, I just don't see why I have to shut up when it's not even my fault.

Thanks to the in-depth description that she made, I guess I don't have to explain the situation to all of you. The only thing that she's able to do as usual, is to make her seem like she's right and that I'm the one at fault again. Let me see, how would I call that?

Oh, word play!

(I'd have to commend you on this, you're good at this every time.)

And here are a few points I'd like to clarify. You said this over at your blog:

"It insults me to every level to know that you think
LORD OF THE RINGS and Harry Potter sucks."

You should probably re-read the entire conversation before assuming that I said that.

(#)☜☠☞ ❤CYN✺ I LOVE CINDY LIM COS SHE BOUGHT MANY MANY EDAMAMES FOR MEEEEEE~ says: (11:57:39 PM)
well HP has revelations and conspiracies...
(#)☜☠☞ ❤CYN✺ I LOVE CINDY LIM COS SHE BOUGHT MANY MANY EDAMAMES FOR MEEEEEE~ says: (11:58:05 PM)
makes u want to know more like...etccc....but u will never be puzzled by how the guy is, why he does this that
(#)☜☠☞ ❤CYN✺ I LOVE CINDY LIM COS SHE BOUGHT MANY MANY EDAMAMES FOR MEEEEEE~ says: (11:58:19 PM)
i hate it they don let us think, or when they do, its so insult to intelligience
(#)☜☠☞ ❤CYN✺ I LOVE CINDY LIM COS SHE BOUGHT MANY MANY EDAMAMES FOR MEEEEEE~ says: (11:58:26 PM)
ok end of topic..no point telling u
Twilight and a cuppa coffee ; says: (11:59:39 PM)
i get what you mean.
Twilight and a cuppa coffee ; says: (12:00:16 AM)
you don't have to add that "no point telling u" behind it cos seriously i'm quite sick of the way you always treat me.
(#)☜☠☞ ❤CYN✺ I LOVE CINDY LIM COS SHE BOUGHT MANY MANY EDAMAMES FOR MEEEEEE~ says: (12:01:02 AM)
cos u don get wad i mean anyway

Did I even mention anything about Harry Potter or Lord of The Rings, seriously? Or did I even reply or make any comments that is associated with it?

I did not claim that Harry Potter and Lord of The Rings isn't a good book at all because I didn't even read it before. Who am I to judge? That is just based on your assumption which I have no idea how it came about. Probably it just materialise out of thin air?

Another point:

"I mean if it was a movie or some series well I guess it will do fine,
Since no brainers like High School Musical is such a hit amongst all of you."

I don't watch High School Musical at all. So don't make it like I do and use it against me. Thanks.

One more point to add:

"Twilight series aside,
Ms Boh Yehying you asked me if I was the one who commented that Twilight sucked.
Oh yea I did.
so you were crooning to me how good it is?
ok you wanna hear my take, I tell you my take.
do you have to be so unbalanced to kick up such a big fuss?
And say that I like to impose my opinion on you?
You asked me for my take, don't forget.
And since you don't like what I say, fuck off la?
Wanna make personal attack?"

RE-READ!
Twilight and a cuppa coffee ; says: (11:48:19 PM)
were you the one who said that twilight isn't good?
Twilight and a cuppa coffee ; says: (11:48:19 PM)
it's a great book and i love it!

If you did read through the conversation, I did not ask for your comments at all and all I did was to tell you that I enjoyed the book and I like the writing style and yes, I still do. I clarified whether were you the one who told me that it wasn't a good book cos I wasn't sure.

Why did I even bother telling you? Cos you told me that it's not a good read and when I read through it, I thoroughly enjoyed it so that's why I told you. I didn't want you to assume that I wouldn't like it, that's all.

Twilight and a cuppa coffee ; says: (11:49:42 PM)
i like books with such writing styles. very straightfoward.
(#)☜☠☞ ❤CYN✺ I LOVE CINDY LIM COS SHE BOUGHT MANY MANY EDAMAMES FOR MEEEEEE~ says: (11:49:55 PM)
hahaahh i do see why

Also, what's with the hidden scarcasm? Don't blame me for retailiating or using personal attacks on you when you obviously used it on me too.

"But what I cannot stand, is you being a fangirl,
you like this thing so much, and you expect me to like it too.
I am not bringing you down as a person,
but bringing down what you like.
If your fan faith is so strong, could have asked me to fuck off.
Since you don't ask me to fuck off,
for me to save our relationship, i said:
Ok. End of Topic. No point telling you."

I seriously wished you were trying to save the friendship but sadly, it seems like you weren't trying to.

Because you added something behind just to prove my point:

(#)☜☠☞ ❤CYN✺ I LOVE CINDY LIM COS SHE BOUGHT MANY MANY EDAMAMES FOR MEEEEEE~ says: (11:58:26 PM)
ok end of topic..no point telling u
Twilight and a cuppa coffee ; says: (11:59:39 PM)
i get what you mean.
Twilight and a cuppa coffee ; says: (12:00:16 AM)
you don't have to add that "no point telling u" behind it cos seriously i'm quite sick of the way you always treat me.
(#)☜☠☞ ❤CYN✺ I LOVE CINDY LIM COS SHE BOUGHT MANY MANY EDAMAMES FOR MEEEEEE~ says: (12:01:02 AM)
cos u don get wad i mean anyway

It's because you ASSUMED I didn't get what you're trying to say as usual. Because you weren't bothered to really read what I typed and you just love to flood others with your own personal views that you feel strongly about.

You always think you're right. (I'm not the only one who said that.)

I wasn't trying to convince you at all. I know you too well and I know how stubborn you are when it comes to such stuffs. You think I'd even try? It seems like you were trying to convince me more since you're the one who's always doing the typing! Ha!

Seriously, this is not the first time you're bitching about me on your public blog and it's obvious that you've always loved to wash your dirty linen in public. Not that I mind at all when you did it in the past cos' when it's my fault, I seriously didn't mind when you lash at me on your public blog. I'm willing to admit my mistake and apologise to you if I know I'm in the wrong, but this time it's not even my fault.

I don't see it as your fault either, I just think it's a very subjective view that everyone has towards reading. It's personal preference and it's that simple. You just misunderstood what I was saying half the time because you are just too strong on your own views to even listen.
Ronn told me all about the conversation that the both of you had a few nights ago on MSN and it turned out just like how I've predicted.

All you did was to type out a chunk of words as usual and expect people to understand it as usual.

If you're wondering why he came and talk to you, I have seriously no idea. I sure did complain about it but I did not ask him to explain to you or anything.

And after many times, I've learnt to never joke with you on any level anymore. Not because you can't take jokes but you misunderstand my point and see it as something I'm using against you. Most of the time, I just do it as a joke but you don't see it as one.

Amanda has a reason why she's my best friend and she still is. Don't always tell me that I'm just doing what Amanda does to you cos she doesn't in anyway ( I REPEAT, SHE DOESN'T) treat me like how you treat me. Especially when it comes to tounge lashings and wake up calls. She lashes and she scolds me as well but never did she once hurt me with the words she uses. The reason why I cry when you scold me and when she does it, is totally different. Now I finally understood why Ronn says Amanda is truly my best friend among all.

Probably half of how others think about me in my life time, is all thanks to your blog entries.

"YOU FUCKING BLOCKED ME ON MSN BEFORE YOU CAN HEAR HOW MUCH OF A SUCKER YOU ARE.
YOU CANNOT TAKE THIS FACT IN YOUR THROAT THAT IS WHY."

The reason I block you is because I don't see why I have to swallow all this when it's not even my fault. I don't see why I have to be scolded and to be abused verbally, over and over again.

Not that I'm a sucker, but sometimes I don't understand how best friends can treat each other in ways like this. You always think that you have many lessons to give me but you're just too full of yourself to truly learn the lessons you need from others.

So much for "poly best friends", huh?

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I want the old blogger back!
Friday, October 17, 2008, 6:12 PM
It's feels like a decade since I've last blogged. And now that I'm back, I'm astonished by the fonts that I'm looking at as I'm creating this post.

Why is it so ugly? And where have all the colours, font size and font type buttons gone to?

I simply cannot bring myself to blog, looking at such ugly fonts! And with such minimal functions available? No way!

I've been updating over at my team's FYP blog as well and blogger happens to be in draft mode over there. They say blogger in draft is a special version of Blogger where they try out new features before they release them to everyone.

It's not much of a difference except for the change in colour for the template (It's blue in blogger draft.) and they still have that set of ugly fonts when I type out my entry before it's published.

It's okay to change the fonts in blogger draft and as well as removing and adding some additional functions, but why did they change the fonts and remove the original functions as well when I am NOT using it in draft?

%#@$%&(^!@~!

It's like I come in with the "feel" to blog and the template and fonts have all changed! It discourages me from blogging further.

I don't know whether do you get the point of this entry but never mind anyway. I'm just trying to vent out my unhappiness cos fonts plays a huge role when I blog.

Anyway, I have lots to update but I don't know where to start again.

This week hasn't been good but I'll make it better next week before I leave for Taiwan and Hong Kong! My holidays starts next weekend! Yes, I'm going to Taiwan & Hong Kong for 10 days! I'll be leaving on 25 October and I'll be back on the 2nd November! Sadly, I'll be spending my birthday overseas this year AGAIN!

I'm turning 20 in 10 days. Can't believe my age starts with a 2 and not a 1 anymore. ):

Anyway, I'm going out now so I gotta start preparing if not I'll be late.

Bye!

(And I'm so fucking pissed because there are no available functions for me to centralized this post. I can't enlarge or change the colour of the fonts as well. FUCK.)

Update:

On a brighter note, I just remembered how to centralized this post with html codes. No thanks to blogger.
 
And guess what? I just realised that I was in the html tab all along and it was my fault for not changing it to the compose tab. No wonder there are so much ugly fonts and I can't find any buttons! But still, I discovered this myself so, no thanks to blogger.

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